When using a public campground, a tuba placed on
your picnic table will keep the campsites on either
side vacant.

*.*

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each
other in Hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What
are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and
stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But
you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

*.*

I'd like to suggest a new entry for the Employee Manual at Home Depot (a
large USA hardware store).

1. If a customer comes to the checkout area toting a toilet auger, a pair
of knee-high rubber boots, a mop, two gallons of bleach, elbow-length
neoprene rubber gloves, a scoop shovel, and a gallon of
industrial-strength deodorizer, it is not neccesary to ask him or her,
"So, how are you doing today?" Nobody really wants to know.

2. After said customer tenders cash for his/her purchase, please use an
antibacterial hand sanitizer.

*.*

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

*.*

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking
his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the
leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell
says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!"

*.*

YOUNG WILLIE was trying hard to right a tipped wagon filled with corn.

“Forget your troubles for a spell and have dinner with us,” said the neighboring farmer.

“That’s mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn’t like it,” said Willie.

“We can worry about that wagon after we get something to eat,” said the farmer.

Willie agreed to eat and enjoyed a nice supper.

As they headed back out to the wagon, the farmer said, “Now, isn’t that better?”
“Yes, but I know my Pa will be upset,” he replied.

“Nonsense,” said the farmer. “Where is your Pa, anyway?”

“Under the wagon,” said Willie

*.*

I have not yet begun to procrastinate !

*.*

My mother's menu consisted of two choices:
Take it or leave it."

*.*

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

*.*

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go
through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump
through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

*.*

I looked at a pair of walking shoes the other day.
They cost $120.
For that kind of money I could take a cab.


The Bible says that we came into this world without riches
and that we shall take no riches with us into the next.

So, in a sense, stockbrokers are just doing the Lord's work.


A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells,
"You should have been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

*.*

One Liners:

People who are wrapped up in themselves are
overdressed.

A word of advice . . . don't give it.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument
over how to load the car.

To belittle is to be little.

Mirror, mirror on the wall . . . what the hell happened?

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Square meals make round people

The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret

Poverty is when you can't stop thinking of money.

One must learn how to lose before learning how to play.

*.*

What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?

… you can negotiate with a terrorist.

*.*

Famous "Last Words"

Ethan Allen
Ethan Allen (January 21, 1738 – February 12, 1789) was an early American
revolutionary and guerrilla leader during the era of the Vermont Republic
and the New Hampshire Grants. He fought against the settlement of Vermont by
the Province of New York, and then for its independence in the American
Revolutionary War.

Allen's last words were a deathbed response to an attending doctor who
attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting
for you." He replied:
"Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait."


Nancy Astor, Viscountess Astor
Nancy Witcher Astor, Viscountess Astor, CH, (May 19, 1879 – May 2, 1964) was
the first woman to serve as a Member of Parliament (MP) in the British House
of Commons. She was the wife of Waldorf Astor, 2nd Viscount Astor.

"Jakie, is it my birthday or am I dying?"
(Seeing all her children assembled at her bedside in her last illness.)


Henry Ward Beecher
Henry Ward Beecher (June 24, 1813 – March 8, 1887) was a prominent,
theologically liberal American Congregationalist clergyman, social reformer,
abolitionist, and speaker in the mid to late 19th Century. An 1875 adultery
trial in which he was accused of having an affair with a married woman was
one of the most famous American trials of the Nineteenth century.

His last words were:
"Now comes the mystery."


Ludwig van Beethoven
Ludwig van Beethoven, (baptized December 17, 1770 – March 26, 1827) was a
German composer and virtuoso pianist. He was an important figure in the
transitional period between the Classical and Romantic eras in Western
classical music, and remains one of the most famous and influential
musicians of all time. Beethoven suffered from gradual hearing loss
beginning in his twenties. He nonetheless continued to compose his
masterpieces, and to conduct and perform, even after he was completely deaf.

His last words:
"Pity, pity . . . too late!"
It is also unlikely, though not impossible that his last words may have been,
"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est (Applaud, my friends, the comedy is
over)," the traditional conclusion of performances of Italian Commedia dell'Arte.


George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron
George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron of Rochdale (22 January 1788 – 19 April
1824) was an Anglo-Scottish poet and a leading figure in Romanticism. Among
Lord Byron's best-known works are the narrative poems Childe Harold's
Pilgrimage and Don Juan. The latter remained incomplete on his death. He was
regarded as one of the greatest European poets and remains widely read.

His last words:
"Goodnight."


Charlie Chaplin
Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin, Jr, KBE (16 April 1889 – 25 December 1977),
better known as Charlie Chaplin, was an English comedy actor. Chaplin became
one of the most famous performers as well as a notable director and musician
in the early to mid Hollywood cinema era. He is considered to be one of the
finest mimes and clowns ever caught on film and has greatly influenced
performers in this field.

When the priest who was attending him at his bedsite said "May the Lord have
mercy on your soul", Chaplin is reported to have replied
"Why Not? After all, it belongs to him."


Julius Caesar
Gaius Julius Caesar July 12 or July 13, 100 BC or 102 BC – March 15, 44 BC),
was a Roman military and political leader and one of the most influential
men in world history. He played a critical role in the transformation of the
Roman Republic into the Roman Empire.

Most people know that the Latin translation of
"You too, Brutus?" is "Et tu, Brute?"
and many will recall that in Shakespeare's play, the bard adds a final
English sentence to these Latin words, "Then fall, Caesar!" However, some
have suggested that the famous phrase was probably spoken--if it was spoken
at all--in the Greek that was commonly used by Roman officials. The Greek
version of Caesar's last words is
"Kai su, teknon?" or "You too, my son?"


Amelia Earhart
Amelia Mary Earhart (24 July 1897 – missing 2 July 1937, declared deceased 5
January 1939) was a noted American aviation pioneer and women's rights
advocate. Earhart was the first woman to receive the Distinguished Flying
Cross, which she was awarded as the first woman to fly solo across the
Atlantic. She set many other records, wrote best-selling books about her
flying experiences and was instrumental in the formation of The
Ninety-Nines, a women's pilots' organization.

Last words:
"KHAQQ calling Itasca. We must be on you, but cannot see you. Gas is running
low. Have been unable to reach you by radio. We are flying at 1,000 feet."


Egon Friedell
Egon Friedell born Egon Friedmann 21 January 1878 in Vienna, died 16 March
1938 in Vienna, was a prominent Austrian philosopher, historian, journalist,
actor, cabaret performer and theatre critic.

He died while fleeing Gestapo agents when he jumped out of an office window
to avoid capture. Last words:
"Watch out, please."


Conrad Hilton
Conrad Nicholson Hilton, Sr. (December 25, 1887–January 3, 1979) was an
American hotelier and founder of the Hilton Hotel chain.

On his deathbed just before he died, Hilton was asked if he had any last
words of wisdom for the world.
"Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub."


Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson (13 April 1743 N.S. – 4 July 1826) was the third President
of the United States (1801–1809), the principal author of the Declaration of
Independence (1776), and one of the most influential Founding Fathers for
his promotion of the ideals of Republicanism in the United States.

On the evening of 3 July 1826, Jefferson roused from semi-consciousness on
his deathbed and asked an attendant,
"This is the Fourth?"
To comfort Jefferson, the man replied that it was. Jefferson smiled with
satisfaction and returned to sleep. He died just after noon on the following
day.


Lawrence of Rome
Saint Lawrence (c. 225 – 258) (Latin: Laurentius - "laurelled") was one of
the seven deacons of ancient Rome who were martyred under the persecution of
Roman Emperor Valerian in the year 258.

Saint Lawrence is one of the most celebrated Roman martyrs. A church deacon
during the time Emperor Valerian was vigorously persecuting christians,
Lawrence also served as the keeper of the church's treasures. He was
arrested and told that to save himself he must give the church treasures to
the government. Lawrence readily agreed and told the official that it would
take at least eight days to assemble them. On the eighth day, Lawrence
returned to the prefect and presented him with hundreds of poor and disabled
men, women, and children. "These," he said, "are the riches of the church."
The enraged official then ordered Lawrence to be stripped, tied face down on
a gridiron suspended over a bed of coals, and slowly burned to death.
Lawrence maintained a cheerful appearance through out the ordeal and, when
asked if he had any last request, responded with his last words:
"Turn me. I am roasted on one side."
His behavior was said to have been so impressive that several Roman senators
converted to Christianity on the spot, and hundreds of citizens did the same
the following day.


Ayrton Senna
Ayrton Senna da Silva was a Brazilian three-times Formula One world
champion. Many aspects of Senna's talent marked him out as a remarkable
driver: particularly his qualifying skill that yielded 65 pole positions in
162 races, and his wet-weather ability. But he also attracted criticism for
his uncompromising race craft, a number of controversial incidents, and his
bitter rivalry with Frenchman Alain Prost. He is also the last Formula 1
driver to have been killed in a race, while leading the 1994 San Marino
Grand Prix at Imola in Italy.

Last words:
"The car seems OK..."
[A few seconds later his steering column broke and he died when his car hit
the wall.]


John Sedgwick
John Sedgwick (September 13, 1813 – May 9, 1864) was a teacher, a career
military officer, and a Union Army general in the American Civil War, killed
by a Confederate sharp-shooter at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

At the battle of the Wilderness, while inspecting his troops, he approached
a parapet and peered out over the surrounding countryside. Sedgwick strode
around in the open and was quoted as saying, "What? Men dodging this way for
single bullets? What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I
am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." Although
ashamed, his men continued to flinch and he repeated,
"I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this
distance."
Just seconds later he fell forward with a bullet hole below his left eye.

*.*

Good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan
plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she
got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and
squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but It would make us even.

*.*

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in
the universe are pointed away from Earth?

*.*

Aaron came home from school one day, all banged up, bloodied, and bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened.

"Well, dad, it's like this," Aaron began. "I challenged Larry to a duel and you know how that goes...I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh huh," said the father. "That seems fair."

"I know...but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

*.*

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My
husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

*.*

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

*.*

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

*.*

Our Tax System Explained in Beer!
by: David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill
for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way
we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite
happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw
them a curve.

'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going
to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.'

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our
taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would
still drink for free.

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How
could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would
get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man
and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his
beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to
reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he
proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing
(100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first
four continued to drink for free. But once outside the
restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth
man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved
a dollar, too.
It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!!'
'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get
$10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the
breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We
didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!!!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next
night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important.

They didn't have enough money between all of them for even
half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college
professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay
the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they
just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start
drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat
friendlier.

*.*

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Thibodeaux turns to Boudreaux and says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife... she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Boudreaux sips his beer and replies, "You better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

*.*

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent

6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): (back by popular demand). The belief that,
when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

*.*

The golden years are when actions creak louder than words.

All the fruit in the world won't satisfy the need for chocolate.

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep

*.*

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making
in cancer research.
Every day they discover something else that causes it.


I'm sure my wife will live forever. She has nothing but
dresses she wouldn't be found dead in.

The only way to get home from work on time is to
take the day off . . .even then, you're cutting it close.

*.*

One of my students could not take my college seminar final
exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make
it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to
another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted.
"I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people
you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only
gravedigger in town."

*.*

Strange But Useless Facts

As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of
the bones fuse together as a child grows).

Fleas can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this
is equal to a 6 foot person jumping 780 feet into the air.

Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do
not eat any type of plant material. There are no venomous snakes in Maine.

The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest
sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530
miles.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls (USA) undermines the shale cliffs and
as a result, the falls have receded approximately 7 miles over the last
10,000 years.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an
entire lifetime.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
when it was built engineers failed to take into account the weight of all
the books that would occupy the building.

North Dakota has never had an earthquake.

There is enough fuel in a full tank of a jumbo jet to drive an average car
four times around the world.

Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than
there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

One person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was
host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job
(in case their pants split).

The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives,"
but also "handcuffs."

If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks the United States
would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run
nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully
cured for another 500 years.

All of David Letterman's suits are custom made - there are no creases in his
suit trousers.

Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a
home run.

Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York's Metropolitan Opera House,
suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just
after singing the line "You can only live so long."

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical
fish stores.

Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses
to six different people named Jesus Christ.

People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month
because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by
the same symbol.

Chicago is closer to Moscow than it is to Rio de Janeiro.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy"
teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his
body.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

There once was a town named "6" in West Virginia.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated
5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

Profanity is typically cut from in-flight movies to make them suitable for
general audiences. Fox Searchlight Pictures has substituted "Ashcroft" for
"A**hole" in the movie Sideways when dubbed for Aerolineas Argentinas
flights.

Sports Illustrated magazine allows subscribers to opt out of receiving the
famous swimsuit issue each year. Fewer than 1% choose this option.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them
into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.

The RIAA sued an 83 year old woman for downloading music illegally, even
though a copy of her death certificate was sent to the RIAA a week before it
filed the suit.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings
were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT.
Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby
scored less than 500 combined.

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343
pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

*.*

Where to Publish Your Academic Paper
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

1) If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal
of mathematics.

2) If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics
journal.

3) If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an
economics journal.

4) If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a
psychology journal.

5) If it attempts to make something important out of something trivial,
then send it to a journal of education.

6) If it attempts to make something trivial out of some-thing important,
send it to a journal of metaphysics.

*.*

ORLANDO, FL-After spending six years overseas as a covert operations
specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit Tuesday,
reappearing inside his home's dining room as if out of thin air. "This truck
exploded across the street, and when we looked back, Dad was sitting next to
me, already halfway through his chicken-fried steak," said son Michael,
adding that the pyrotechnic diversionary tactic was "classic Dad." "Other
than the 6-inch scar across his face, it's like he was never gone." Upon his
return, Jacobs immediately demanded a concise summary of the last 10
arguments between Michael and his sister Lauren, as well as a quick
debriefing re: the whereabouts of that raccoon that used to live in the
shed.

*.*

The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed
the nearly-deaf old man the bottle of pills saying,
"That'll be $16.50".

Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist
answered.  As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on
the counter and walked out of the store with his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man
did not hear and kept walking.

When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained
what had happened.

The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the
cash register.  He said to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit
is better than nothing".

*.*

The reason so few women are politicians is that it's too much trouble
to put makeup on two faces.

*.*

I tend to sleep in the nude which isn't a bad thing
except for maybe on those long flights across the
country.

*.*

The difference between Washington and Las Vegas is:
In Las Vegas, the drunks gamble with their own money.

*.*

When a man says, "We've got to talk,"
the woman hears,
"We're going to have a nice conversation."

When a woman says, "We've go to talk,"
a man hears,
"Will the defendant please rise?"

*.*

Oneliners

The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in traffic!

Never confuse having a career with having a life

No answer is also an answer

The economy depends on economists, as much as the weather does on forecasters.

Kamasutra Kamikaze: Willing to try every position in one night or die trying.

*.*

I recently remembered a clever piece of English usage which I heard over
45 years ago. As far as I know it has not surfaced recently, so here is
a challenge for those of you who believe you are gifted in the use of
our language.

Write a sentence (which makes sense) where you use the same word
consecutively NINE times!!

No cheating now. Try to bust your brains before peeking at the answer below.

/
/
/
/
/
/

Here it is

"In the essay competition, the fact that Jones, where Smith had had
'had', had had "had had", had had great weight in awarding the English
prize.

*.*

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?"

The only thing I've learned in fifty-two years
is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.


Opportunity knocks only once.
If you hear a second knock,
it's probably a Jehovah's witness.

*.*

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I asked her,
"Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked..

"Actually, yes," replied the expert....

"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven!"

*.*

Why haven't the news stations started their
"Winter Storm '08 coverage yet?
I want to rush out for my bread, milk and gas-powered generator.


The only real tragedy in a woman's life is that
her past is always her lover,
and her future is invariably her husband.


Breast implants are the stupidest ideas ever.
If men want to fondle $5000
worth of silicon, they'd buy a new computer.


Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.

*.*

So, I'm walking through WalMart and my eye catches a fake-flower bridal
bouquet (with box!) at the end of the aisle.

I wondered, I have to admit, what bride would pick up her bouquet at
WalMart? - Then I realized I was observing WalMart's marketing brilliance
at work.

The bridal bouquets were only three aisles over from the shotguns...

*.*

Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a

military base in Panama and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.

*.*

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions
are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are
delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served
honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do
you hate freedom?

*.*

Q: Why are men better then women in reading maps?

A: Because only a man can look at 2.5 centimeters and imagine it to be a mile.

*.*

China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to
assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in
China, jails.
 

Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency
measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with
hybrid tanks.
 

And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking
him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics.
Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to
bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash.

*.*

I'm going to start marketing a new booze called "Responsibly".

Every other brewery and distillery seems to be recommending it.

*.*

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
piss on your computer."

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats."

*.*

Three little sentences to get you through life:

1. Cover for me.

2. Oh, good idea, boss.

3. It was like that when I got here.

*.*

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my
husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to
shoot him!"

*.*

Wonderful Yiddish Proverbs

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the
fool when he speaks.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good
enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the
smartest grandchild in the world.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep
moving.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that
can be counted counts.

*.*

Who's The Best Movie Batman?

Michael Keaton. Christian Bale. Val Kilmer. George Clooney. Even, yes, Adam West (he did a Batman film during the TV show's run). All of them have donned the bat-ears, the billowy cape, and the pointy gloves for one movie or another, to varying levels of success. Some became fan favorites; others, The Batmen We Do Not Speak Of.

We've gone back through all the batfilms and watched them exhaustively-even Batman & Robin, so that should tell you how seriously we took it. Examining criteria as diverse as ass-kicking ability, scoring tail, and homoerotic undertones, we crunch the numbers to give you the Best Movie Batman Ever (so far).


#5. ADAM WEST - Batman: The Movie (1966)

Coolness of Costume
In a word: dignified. That's what Adam West's Batman isn't. Tiny little nubbin bat-ears, a bat emblem that looks like it's slid halfway down his sallow, pectorally-absent chest, and a cape so wrinkled it makes one wonder if Batman had a long layover in Houston with his costume bunched up in his carry-on.

The worst offense, though, has to be the painted-on eyebrows. The point of Batman's costume is to strike fear in the hearts of criminals, not to make them wonder why he always looks surprised to see them, like he recognizes them from high school or something. "Tom... Tom Franklin? You son of a bitch, get over here, you!"

Also, we didn't bother to include a picture of Batman's bat-package (you're welcome), but let's just say '60s Batman's genital-hugging blue satin panties don't leave a lot to the imagination. Ignorant as to whether or not Adam West is circumcised? Anybody who watched Batman: The Movie can't, unfortunately, say the same.

Ass-Kicking Ability
BatWest fights like someone having a stroke. To be fair, Batman: The Movie's supposed to be campy. To once again be unfair, it looks like they didn't so much choreograph their fights as just run around flailing their arms like the set just caught on fire:

[whistling] Man, let that in. BatWest just got his ass handed to him there by a quacking Burgess Meredith with a pillow under his tuxedo. That's the point in your crime-fighting career where you just need to stop and frankly assess some things that might have gotten away from you. If BatWest had to fight a six-year-old girl on crutches, frankly, it could go either way.

Those Wonderful Toys
BatWest had the Batmobile, the Batcopter, the Batcycle, and the Batcave. But whatever-every Batman has those. What puts BatWest's bat-gadgets head and shoulders above any other movie Batman's gadgets was his magical utility belt, which housed roughly 60 billion bat-themed doohickeys that could be pulled out in any situation whatsoever. Need something soldered? Batblowtorch! Getting gassed by the Penguin? Anti-Penguin gas pills! Want a sandwich sliced? Batlaser! Motherfucker even had Bat-shark repellent on hand:

Smoothness with the Ladies
BatWest must have realized how not macho he looked running around in tight satin panties, and so overcompensated with his alter ego Bruce Wayne, swinging '60s bachelor. The sly grin, slicked-back hair, and ascot (right) combine to make him look like the guest star on an all-sexual predator episode of The Love Boat. Come. And. Get it, ladies.

Plus, if the tell-all autobiographies written by the cast are to be believed, Adam West spent the majority of the TV series and motion picture getting drunk, doing drugs, and attempting to nail any co-star with a pulse and a vagina. Whether or not this was a good thing or a bad thing depends, we suppose, on your stance on this sort of behavior and whose autobiography you're reading.

Posse
Robin "helps out" (i.e., gets kidnapped every 10 minutes), and Commissioner Gordon and Irish stereotype Chief "Bless Me Shamrocks" O'Hara could be counted on to be useless enough to need Batman's assistance on pretty much every single crime committed in Gotham City. Take a breath mint from the Commissioner's desk without asking, and he'd be leaping across his office to the Batphone to get some help cracking the case.

Homoerotic Subtext?
BatWest got around that whole "living (and fighting crime in his underpants) with a minor" thing by having Aunt Harriet move in with them, presumably to keep an eye out for any shenanigans of the homosexual variety. Having said that, they managed to hide secret identities and a vast underground cave fortress with a helicopter pad from her, meaning she was either pretty liberal about the whole thing or had the observational skills of a particularily stupid earthworm.


#4. GEORGE CLOONEY - Batman & Robin (1997)

Ability to Kick Ass
BatClooney, with assists from Robin (Chris O'Donnell) and Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), does battle here with Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a supervillain whose sole superpower is the ability to turn water into ice, making him about as menacing as the cube-making feature in your refrigerator; and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), a supervillainess who can grow plants and make men fall in love with her (essentially, the superpowers of an attractive woman with a garden).

Coolness of Costume
BatClooney abandons the yellow Batsymbol and somber blacks, adopting a showy silver look not unlike a crime-fighting tuna fish. Improvements abound in the cowl region, which trades in the cumbersome ceramic headpiece of earlier incarnations for a large-nosed latex rubber mask, meaning Batman can now blow his nose in-costume and possesses peripheral vision of at least an inch on either side. Watch out, criminals standing very slightly to his left or right!

Also worth noting: Against all reason and decency, the Batsuit now features nipples, possibly as part of some new Bat-lactation feature. (Theory: They squirt Gatorade when he's thirsty?)

Those Wonderful Toys
Mr. Freeze uses his only superpower to turn the floor into an ice rink just as Batman and Robin are about to apprehend him. Luckily, our crimefighters yell "Batskates!", at which point, yes, Batskates pop out of their boots and they proceed to play ice hockey with Mr. Freeze's hockey stick-toting goons. Observant Batman fans might notice that being able to make things appear suddenly from the recesses of his body isn't Batman's power; it's Inspector Gadget's (or, failing that, Richard Gere's).

Elsewhere, BatClooney and Robin pull out Batsurfboards and surf down a building, which is actually more ridiculous than Bat-shark repellent, in that it actually manages to break the laws of physics with its brute idiocy.

Smoothness with the Ladies
BatClooney briefly engages in a competitive romantic rivalry with Robin over who gets to date Poison Ivy first, but since they're both under her love potion spell, it's hard to count. Otherwise, Batman & Robin seems more preoccupied with getting Robin some action with the newly arrived Batgirl than scoring anything for the Dark Knight. Lots of lonely nights home alone for BatClooney, it seems: No wonder he had the time to invent the Batskates.

Posse
BatClooney sees no problems whatsoever with suiting Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone up in benippled costumes and enlisting the idiots in his war on crime, despite the fact that no right-thinking person would trust Chris O'Donnell or Alicia Silverstone to lick stamps without turning purple and asphyxiating themselves.

Homoerotic Subtext?
See "Batnipples; casting smoldering looks at one another while having."


#3. VAL KILMER - Batman Forever (1995)

Ability to Kick Ass
Substantial. Until Christian Bale came along, as unbelievable as this sounds, BatKilmer was probably the only Batman to have bothered lifting a few goddamn weights. So he acquits himself well here, punching, kicking, and rope-swinging around about 200 times more ass-kickingly than Adam "Let's Tilt the Camera on Its Side So I Can Climb Up Buildings" West and Michael "I Can't Really Move in This Thing, So I'll Just Stand Here and Glower with a Poopy-Face" Keaton.

So it's unfortunate, but not really his fault, that the film elects to pit him against 120-pound man-child Jim Carrey and senior citizen Tommy Lee Jones, either of whom anyone in the audience for Batman Forever could probably take in a fight.

Coolness of Costume
BatKilmer starts Forever sporting probably the best of the Batsuits from the original movie franchise, keeping the black tones and yellow bat symbol of the Keaton era, yet improving upon them through the new outfit's improved mobility (Batman can actually kick things now without falling over) and the new actor's actual muscles (Val works out).

Towards the end of the movie, though, as if sensing the audience's growing boredom, BatKilmer shows up inexplicably in the Clooney model, all silver-colored and ridiculous, as if to say, "Hey, check it out! Now you can buy two toys!"

Rogues Gallery
Batman Forever officially marks the point where Batman's villains were deemed more interesting than Batman himself. They consequently stop making any kind of sense, existing only as a rickety vehicle for ham-fisted acting on the part of whichever name-brand celebrity they'd managed to land for the movie-in this case, Carrey and Jones, who swallow unspeakably vast amounts of scenery without bothering to chew.

When you're able to compare Forever to its previous installment, Batman Returns-a film where Danny Devito crams handfuls of raw fish into his mouth while sitting among penguins with missiles strapped to their backs in a sewer-and think, "You know, Forever is really where the villains became too campy," that's saying something.

Smoothness with the Ladies
BatKilmer takes a few spoonfuls of pants-sugar from Nicole Kidman in Forever, who plays Dr. Chase Meridian, a smoking-hot Gotham City psychiatrist who harbors an unhealthy sexual obsession with the Dark Knight. Perhaps due to the logistical problems of Val tapping the good doctor while in costume, Dr. Chase becomes one in a seemingly endless series of love interests from the original franchise to whom Batman gleefully reveals his secret identity for a booty call.

This prompts the question of why, if Batman's willing to take off his mask for any girl who wants to hit a mattress, he even bothers to wear a costume at all. If that's his priority here, surely "crime-fighting billionaire detective" is gonna rack a brother up more tail than "crazy dude in a flying rat outfit," right?

Posse
Alicia Silverstone's yet to be invited to the Batparty (see #4. George Clooney), but Forever sadly marks the introduction of The Great Unpleasantness: Chris O'Donnell, a veritable black hole of charisma who somehow convinced America he should be starring in films alongside Al Pacino and Gene Hackman-this despite a complete inability to speak dialogue without sounding like he'd just been hit in the skull with a plank of wood. O'Donnell's an actor, in short, who makes one long for the playful, layered nuance of a Keanu Reeves performance.

BatKilmer stumbles on Unpleasantness at the Gotham Circus while trying to put the moves on Dr. Chase by asking her out "rock-climbing"-because when you're a crime-fighting billionaire, dinner and a movie's out of the question, evidently. Two-Face (Jones) interrupts BatKilmer's mountain-scaling ("And then back to my place?") overture by holding the circus hostage for a reason that's probably stupid. O'Donnell's trapeze-tumbling parents help out by plummeting embarrassingly to their deaths.

In BatKilmer's mind, anybody who loses their parents must necessarily want to take up a life of dressing ridiculously and administering vigilante justice, and so offers Unpleasantness a job as Robin, his boy sidekick. To the audible groans of everyone who's just endured five minutes of O'Donnell's acting and now realizes they're about to be forced through another hour's worth, Unpleasantness accepts.

Homoerotic Subtext?
The post-Adam West, rebooted Batman franchise had so far wisely avoided homoeroticism simply by not including Robin in any of the movies. Batman Forever breaks from this reasonable choice, and so we get many scenes with Kilmer and O'Donnell casting smoldering looks at each other, presumably because they're furious, but possibly because, "damn it, when is that troublesome man gonna kiss me?"


#2. MICHAEL KEATON - Batman (1989), Batman Returns (1992)

Coolness of Costume
'80s Batman succeeds where his predecessor, '60s Batman, fails, trading in dance tights for a bodysuit with big plastic muscles all over it, sparing star Michael Keaton the need to actually develop any. Sadly, the costume's ceramic neck brace meant BatKeaton couldn't technically turn his head, with the unfortunate side effect that he could only fight crime taking place directly in front of him. This is a design flaw that probably gets circulated around the Gotham underground fairly quickly.

"I dunno about this drug deal, Fingers. What if the Batman attacks?" "We step two feet to his immediate left or right and he'll think we disappeared." "Ah, okay."

For all its mobility issues, though: no nipples. And at least the damn costume's black, not silver.

Ass-Kicking Ability
In the big final fight scene in Batman, our hero climbs to the top of a bell tower to fight three hulking goons so he can stop the Joker from putting the moves on Kim Basinger. As is the law with these sorts of movie fights, all of the three goons possess a different fighting style, each deadlier than the last: One's a ninja, one's a fistfighter, and the other's just this really humongous dude swinging a big metal chain around like a lunatic.

After beating up all three goons, BatKeaton makes short work of the Joker, pimp-slapping him around the bell tower and growling a lot of cold shit about how Joker killed his parents, so it's on:

BatKeaton might need elevations in his boots to look tall. Sure, he has to wear plastic muscles. But still: When it comes right down to it, he's a badass. Given that almost everything he does is scored to a fruity Prince song, that's saying something.

Those Wonderful Toys
In the scene mentioned above, where BatKeaton beats up three goons in a bell tower, we neglected to mention the coolest part: At one point, Ninja-Goon administers a Mortal Kombat-style flying kick to the Caped Crusader. BatKeaton picks him out of the air by extending a hidden metal plate from the palm of his glove (left), which connects with Ninja-Goon's genitals and sends him, crumpled and whimpering, to the ground.

That's right: BatKeaton invented a gadget whose only purpose is to hit you in the balls.

Additionally, BatKeaton's got a pretty sweet car that looks to be powered by an actual jet engine:

On the downside, trying to cut a tight corner with a car over 15 feet long can be tricky. When driving this Batmobile, you technically need to shoot out a Batarang and wrap it around a lamppost every time you want to make a hard right. Alternatively, you could just get out and walk.

Smoothness with the Ladies
For a short guy with no muscles, BatKeaton scores positively epic amounts of ass during his Bat-tenure in Batman and Batman Returns, including Kim Basinger and Michelle Pfeiffer in a catsuit. Must be that impressive wingspan on the cape.

Plus, unlike other Batmen (who refuse to get involved in relationships because it would distract from their war on crime), BatKeaton's all about the pussy: That crime stuff can just chill out for a night, he'll get to it tomorrow. He freely reveals his identity to his girlfriends, romances them with candle-lit meals at Wayne Manor, and then makes them watch him sleep upside-down after he's bedded them. That's a little creepy, admittedly, but one could argue that after you've managed to bed '80s-era Kim Basinger, you can pretty much go ahead and do any goddamn thing you'd like.

Rogues Gallery
Jack Nicholson as the Joker:

Can't argue with that.

Posse
Just Alfred the butler.

Homoerotic Subtext?
Just Alfred the butler.

And so that concludes our list, as you can see we've covered all of the ... oh, wait. Sorry. One more.


#1. CHRISTIAN BALE - Batman Begins (2005) and The Dark Knight (2008)

In a stunning upset, somehow Christian Bale has found his way to the top of our list.

Ability to Kick Ass
Unparalleled in the annals of Batdom. Moreso than any movie Batman before him, BatBale makes you believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he could probably kick your ass. Not only do we get an hour-long origin montage in Begins where Bruce Wayne treks up mountains and learns the deadly arts of the ninja, pretty much establishing his ass-kicking credentials from the outset...

...but you also get Christian Bale, who cranked enough steroids prior to Begins' filming that, no shit, the producers actually asked him to lose some muscle mass before they could start filming, since he was fucking enormous.

Some Batfans criticized Begins for its narrative choice of not really showing any of Batman's fights close up. You tend to see them from the criminal's perspective, like Batman was the monster in a horror movie:

Which, come on, sort of makes sense. Dude dresses up like a bat. If you can't make him a credibly terrifying presence in the eyes of the criminal element, he'd just end up looking like... well, like any of the other Batmen on this list. Did getting to see George Clooney beat up crooks make him a more credible ass-kicker than Christian Bale is here? Not really.

BatBale takes the ass-kicking round in a walk.

Those Wonderful Toys
Batmen Begins director Christopher Nolan takes the time to flesh out Batman's gadgets with a thoughtfulness never before seen in a movie about a guy in a batsuit punching crooks in the face, meaning we actually get a plausible explanation for the first time as to how Bruce Wayne manages to score all of his cool shit.

For the most part, Nolan's successful: It turns out Wayne Industries funds a ludicrously robust R&D department for military-grade gadgets, like grappling hooks, memory cloth, and indestructible bodysuits. All that's required of BatBale here is sneaking stuff out of the building under his shirt and buying some black spray paint on the way home.

It's still far from airtight, though. To use just one example, while out on a gadget shopping spree at Wayne Industries, BatBale spots the "Tumbler," described as a bridging vehicle. "During combat," explains Morgan Freeman, "two of these would jump over a river, towing cables." Hence the desert camo on the Tumbler, presumably: Gotta help our boys in the Middle East jump over all those rivers in the desert!

At least it explains why Wayne Industries never managed to sell any of this shit.

Coolness of Costume

BatBale's costume looks a bit more piecemeal than the others, if only because the movie takes the time to explain where he gets everything, which alone gives it coolness points. BatBale's wrist guards are of a slightly different design than the rest of his outfit, for instance, because they're spray-painted ninja gauntlets he got during his martial arts training, and are designed specifically to deflect swords. Let's hear BatClooney come up with an explanation that good for the nipples.

Other improvements: Costume not so shiny; Batman can now actually move his neck left and right; it's bullet-proof; it's electrocution-proof; his cape becomes a hang-glider; his Batears house a built-in cell phone; and, let's face it, it still looks pretty cool.

Smoothness with the Ladies
Has Katie Holmes give it up to him on a silver platter, but wrings his hands enough about it that by the time he decides he'd like to make something happen, she's already forgotten she even offered.

Despite this, we're giving it up to BatBale for not being the second Caped Crusader to eat Tom Cruise's table scraps (BatKilmer being the first with Nicole Kidman). Luckily, Holmes got unceremoniously booted from the sequel after her Cruise-related PR nightmare last year, and her character's now being played by the infinitely more capable Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Rogues Gallery
Not a lot going on in the villain department in Batman Begins; it's all about BatBale. As for The Dark Knight, let's just say that Heath Ledger's Joker makes most of the villains on this list look like cruel insults to the profession.

Homoerotic Subtext?
Only in the sense that we spent this movie wondering if BatBale liked us. You know, as more than friends.

*.*

Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In

WASHINGTON—A panel of top business leaders testified before Congress about
the worsening recession Monday, demanding the government provide Americans
with a new irresponsible and largely illusory economic bubble in which to
invest.

"What America needs right now is not more talk and long-term strategy, but a
concrete way to create more imaginary wealth in the very immediate future,"
said Thomas Jenkins, CFO of the Boston-area Jenkins Financial Group, a
bubble-based investment firm. "We are in a crisis, and that crisis demands
an unviable short-term solution."

The current economic woes, brought on by the collapse of the so-called
"housing bubble," are considered the worst to hit investors since the
equally untenable dot-com bubble burst in 2001. According to investment
experts, now that the option of making millions of dollars in a short time
with imaginary profits from bad real-estate deals has disappeared, the need
for another spontaneous make-believe source of wealth has never been more
urgent.

"Perhaps the new bubble could have something to do with watching movies on
cell phones," said investment banker Greg Carlisle of the New York firm
Carlisle, Shaloe & Graves. "Or, say, medicine, or shipping. Or clouds. The
manner of bubble isn't important—just as long as it creates a hugely
overvalued market based on nothing more than whimsical fantasy and saddled
with the potential for a long-term accrual of debts that will never be paid
back, thereby unleashing a ripple effect that will take nearly a decade to
correct."

"The U.S. economy cannot survive on sound investments alone," Carlisle
added.

Congress is currently considering an emergency economic-stimulus measure,
tentatively called the Bubble Act, which would order the Federal Reserve to
begin encouraging massive private investment in some fantastical financial
scheme in order to get the nation's false economy back on track.

Current bubbles being considered include the handheld electronics bubble,
the undersea-mining-rights bubble, and the decorative office-plant bubble.
Additional options include speculative trading in fairy dust—which lobbyists
point out has the advantage of being an entirely imaginary commodity to
begin with—and a bubble based around a hypothetical, to-be-determined
product called "widgets."

The most support thus far has gone toward the so-called paper bubble. In
this appealing scenario, various privately issued pieces of paper, backed by
government tax incentives but entirely worthless, would temporarily be given
grossly inflated artificial values and sold to unsuspecting stockholders by
greedy and unscrupulous entrepreneurs.

"Little pieces of paper are the next big thing," speculator Joanna Nadir, of
Falls Church, VA said. "Just keep telling yourself that. If enough people
can be talked into thinking it's legitimate, it will become temporarily
true."

Demand for a new investment bubble began months ago, when the subprime
mortgage bubble burst and left the business world without a suitable source
of pretend income. But as more and more time has passed with no substitute
bubble forthcoming, investors have begun to fear that the worst-case
scenario—an outcome known among economists as "real-world repercussions" may
be inevitable.

"Every American family deserves a false sense of security," said Chris
Reppto, a risk analyst for Citigroup in New York. "Once we have a bubble to
provide a fragile foundation, we can begin building pyramid scheme on top of
pyramid scheme, and before we know it, the financial situation will return
to normal."

Despite the overwhelming support for a new bubble among investors, some in
Washington are critical of the idea, calling continued reliance on
bubble-based economics a mistake. Regardless of the outcome of this week's
congressional hearings, however, one thing will remain certain: The calls
for a new bubble are only going to get louder.

"America needs another bubble," said Chicago investor Bob Taiken. "At this
point, bubbles are the only thing keeping us afloat."

*.*

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows!

Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing!

One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen!

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein!

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building!

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!

A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth!

Clinophobia is the fear of beds!

Porcupines float in water!

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Slugs have 4 noses!

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland!

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

*.*

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

*.*

John McCain Is So Old....

....the Big Bang woke him up.
....Mike Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution, but John McCain witnessed it.
....it takes an archeologist to dig up dirt on him.
....in 1st grade he only had to learn one continent on the flat earth.
....ALL parties were toga parties when he was in school.
....his library card says "Alexandria" on it.
....his copy of the Bible is autographed.
....he owes Moses twenty bucks.
....he remembers when Iraq was Mesopotamia.
....Joe Lieberman has to remind him not to refer to Iranians as "Proto-Elamites."
....he voted against funding the Pyramids.
....when the walls of Jericho fell down, he blocked legislation to rebuild.

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