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Gentle Thoughts for Today A penny saved is another government oversight. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs . . .' *.* Apple have recalled earl prototypes of their new version of the iPhone aimed at children. On reflection it was thought that "iTouch Kids" was not the best product name ever. *.* America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. *.* A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy." *.* Ted Kennedy hasn't had a drink for five months! *.* Counterfeit Cigarettes Filled With Rabbit Droppings Confiscated Published by MoonDog on November 18, 2009 More than $2 million worth of counterfeit cigarettes filled with rabbit droppings instead of tobacco have been confiscated by customs officials in Spain. The fake cigarettes – due to be sold on the black market as famous brands – were discovered after British tourists in the Canary Islands smelled a rat – or in this case a rabbit – whenever they lit up."They stunk. They smell just as you’d imagine burning poo to smell," said one customs official in Tenerife. Police and customs staff arrested 12 smugglers in an undercover operation to intercept the cigarettes as they landed on a boat from China. "They not only smell bad but the toxic chemicals they give off are pure poison," explained a customs official. *.* Majority Of Newspapers Now
Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date *.* House fire In South Los Angeles , a four-plex was destroyed by a fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson , John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived..? The fire chief said, "They were at work." *.* If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares , why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, ' That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? *.* TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, Is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet! *.* Happy Birthday to Angela Lansbury. She’s just turned 84. She celebrated at a party until one of her friends was murdered. *.* A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?" "Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television." "That’s too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime." "What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That’s part of the punishment!" *.* Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could." *.* SAGE ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. *.* THE FORUM’S UNSEEN CHEERING SECTION Some ghostly supporters have been credited with changing the outcomes of the game themselves. For years the Montréal Canadiens of the National Hockey League ruled the sport and won game after game in their home, the Montréal Forum. Opposing players would swear that the ghosts of the team’s great players would help the Canadiens by making pucks bounce in odd ways, or tripping up opposing players. The Canadiens, like many modern teams, left their old arena a few years ago for a newer, bigger rink. They have yet to win a Stanley cup there. ◊ FIND THE DEAD GUY, WIN THE STANLEY CUP The Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup in 1951. The winning goal was scored by Bill Barilko. As he was falling to the ice, he shot the puck into the net. After the final, Barilko went on a fishing trip in Canada’s North. His plane crashed but, mysteriously, searchers could not find his body. They eventually gave up and the Leafs fell on hard times on the ice. In fact, the Leafs didn’t win another Cup until 1962 — the season Barilko’s body was discovered! Some fans believe his ghost refused to let the Leafs win until his body had been recovered. *.* MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 5. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set hand brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release hand brake. *.* Hot weather, strong alcohol and melting ice cream were among the most bizarre complaints made by British holidaymakers this year, according to one online travel agent. Upon arrival in Portugal, one British family told of their distress at the sunny weather and complained that they were too "hot and sweaty" in their holiday clothes. One man told staff of his irritation at the number of holidaymakers who travelled with plain black suitcases, hindering his attempts to find his own plain black suitcase on the airport conveyor belt. After discovering that the shampoo in her luggage had leaked during her flight, one woman bemoaned the fact that the hotel she was staying in provided complimentary toiletries, rendering the entire incident "very preventable". Another woman wrote in to complain that her plane journey was a disappointment because the sky was far too cloudy, impeding the view for her and her children and spoiling their game of eye-spy. Following a trip to a local theme park, another woman wrote to the travel agent to complain that the Log Flume ride made her feet wet and the sun was so strong that her ice cream melted too quickly. One couple criticized the excellent children's entertainment at their resort – so good, in fact, that their children didn't want to spend any time with their parents, while another couple claimed that the lunchtime cocktails at their resort were surprisingly strong, leaving them rather worse for wear during the afternoon. *.* "Place Stamp Here" ... It appears on 99% of all return envelopes along with the warning that "The Post Office will not deliver without postage." Can we legitimately claim to be a superpower if we need to be reminded about where to put a stamp on an envelope? *.* I just had a call from a Charity asking
me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the
world. *.* The dumbest a robber could ever get. Jonathan Parker, a PA resident, decided to rob a house outside of Martinsburg in Berkeley County, WV. But that's not the dumb part. Ready for this? He checked his Facebook account on the victim's computer and left it logged in! The Martinsburg Journal (sort of my home newspaper, unfortunately) reports. He apparently stole two diamond rings, in addition to some equipment from the garage. Because of his awesomeness, the police were able to nab him relatively easily. He is being held right now in the Eastern Regional Jail in Martinsburg on $10,000 bail and could actually get up to 10 years for this. But that's just for the crime; what can we give him for being the dumbest person on earth? I guess this really shows just how important Facebook is in our lives today. What do you think he set his status to when he logged into Facebook while robbing someones house? " Jonathan Parkeris robbing sum house" *.* AK-47: Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide. M-16: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts. *.* A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls" The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?" *.* Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club. *.* What's the most useless thing on a woman? A drunk Irishman. *.* My wife asked me to take her somewhere very expensive. So I took her to the f*^king gas station. *.* After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'. *.* Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!' *.* A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth." *.* TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN: (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day." (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error. (3) The only expense covered 100% is…. "Embalming." (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors20with little M's on them. (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape *.* (1) I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (2) More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. (3) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (4) Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. (5) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (6) The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. (7) Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. (8) There is a great need for sarcasm font. (9) Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it. (10) I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. (11) The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image. (12) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (13) I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (14) I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (15) The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text message. (16) Was learning cursive really necessary? (17) I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (18) Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". (19) How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? (20) I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of strangers in cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! (21) What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? (22) While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. (23) MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (24) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (25) I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. (26) Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (27) Bad decisions make good stories (28) Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? (29) If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. (30) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (31) Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection AGAIN. (32) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. (33) "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means it will never get washed - ever. (34) While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed. (35) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? (36) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. (37) I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. (38) Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... (39) As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. (40) Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (41) It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. (42) I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. (43) Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. (44) Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... (45) My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? (46) It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. (47) I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. (48) I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (49) The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner. *.* The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anybody you want to in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yes. That's me." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, God. But, aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Yes, I am." Arthur replied, "Well. Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. First, there is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. Next, it chatters constantly at high speeds. Thirdly, most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust and finally the maintenance costs are outrageous!!!" "Hmmmmm. You may have made some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper, and God read it. "Well, that may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But, according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." *.* On the other hand, you have different fingers. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. *.* Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying." *.* The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper. "Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers." To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone." *.* GOD TEXTS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 1. no1 b4 me. srsly. 2. dnt wrshp pix/idols 3. no omg's 4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r) 5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool 6. dnt kill ppl 7. :-X only w/ m8 8. dnt steal 9. dnt lie re: bf 10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob. M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl. ttyl, JHWH. ps. wwjd? *.* Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come. 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." *.* When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." *.* True story: in Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year old man who got his . . . err . . . manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Ouch. The man told authorities his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual. He didn't want any attachments. *.* Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following: "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...." 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes . 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two. 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. *.* An elderly couple would constantly argue about everything. The woman often ended the arguments by stating vociferously, "I'll dance on your grave! I'll dance on your grave!" Well, sure enough, the old geezer died first. His last request was that he be buried at sea. *.* Last Thursday, a man walked into the Wachovia Bank in the 2700 block of Smith and reportedly told the teller he had a gun and ordered her to give him money. Fearing for her life, the teller gave the man some cash bundles with exploding dye packs in them. The suspect stuffed the money down his pants and ran out of the bank. Police arrested Daniel Duran a short time later, after the dye packs exploded while still allegedly down his pants. Duran was taken to an area hospital with second degree burns to his genital area. No weapon was found. *.* A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the office. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!" *.* A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "Only fifty cents!" *.* My Mother-in-Law once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?" *.* A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. *.* There's always safety in numbers: .22 .38 .357 .44 .45, etc. There's no future in time travel. Why does sanction mean both approval and disapproval? Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? Why is the word "little" twice as big as the word "big"? *.* News from the Business World 1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market. 2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street. 3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW 4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie! 5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left. 6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it 7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's *.* Top 15 Reasons Star Wars is better than Titanic 15. Yoda could use the Force to lift the Titanic out of the water. 14. Lea is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. 13. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. 12. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. 11. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. 10. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt. 9. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. 8. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"? 7. "I’d rather be his whore than your wife," just doesn’t have the same sting as "I’d just as soon kiss a Wookie." 6. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. 5. Han Solo would’ve steered clear of that stupid iceberg! 4. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could’ve anticipated, "Luke... I am your father." 3. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character. 2. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars. 1. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you’re infatuated. Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it’s ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet. *.* It's all in the proper wording! Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.' NOW THAT is how it's done folks! That's real SPIN. *.* A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. "Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law." The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?" The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!" *.* Least Popular Personals Ad Abbreviations: LWM = "live with Mom" MMP = "married male predator" TSZ = "twelve-step zealot" CHF = "collect Hummel figures" IPH = "impossibly poofy hair" ACS = "Active Canker Sores" PDP = "Pants Dropping President" *.* Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the man sleeping next to him to ask if he would like to play a game. "I'll ask you a question," he explained. "If you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. But if I don't know the answer to your question I'll pay you $50." When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man gave him the $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 400,000 kilometres. Now it's your turn." The man was silent for a few moments and then asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The academic racked his brains for half an hour, and finally handed over his $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" he asked. The man said, "I don't know," handed him a $5 bill and went back to sleep. *.* So we'll put money in the economy by taking money out of the economy then putting it back in the economy and taxing it as it passes through. Yeah, that should work. *.* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Have you ever noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire. *.* When using a public campground, a tuba
placed on *.* Two businessmen in Florida were sitting
down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves set up. *.* I have not yet begun to procrastinate ! *.* What’s the difference between a
terrorist and a redhead? Why is it that all of the instruments
seeking intelligent life in *.* Aaron came home from school one day, all
banged up, bloodied, and bruised. His father asked him what on earth had
happened. *.* A husband and wife were at a party
chatting with some friends when the
*.* Where to Publish Your Academic Paper *.* ORLANDO, FL-After spending six years
overseas as a covert operations *.* I tend to sleep in the nude which isn't
a bad thing *.* The difference between Washington and
Las Vegas is: *.* When a man says, "We've got to talk," *.* Oneliners *.* I recently remembered a clever piece of
English usage which I heard over *.* Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women
want?" *.* The efficiency expert concluded his
lecture with a note of caution. *.* Why haven't the news stations started
their So, I'm walking through WalMart and my
eye catches a fake-flower bridal Q: How many Bush Administration
officials does it take to screw in a *.* Q: Why are men better then women in
reading maps? China has announced that during the
Olympics, protesters will be allowed to Beijing skies are so polluted that
Chinese authorities are planning emergency And human rights activists have sent a
letter to President Bush, asking I'm going to start marketing a new booze
called "Responsibly". *.* A woman goes into a sporting goods store
to buy a rifle. "It's for my One of life's greatest mysteries is how
the boy who wasn't good *.* Who's The Best Movie Batman? During your lifetime, you'll eat about
60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!
Ben Bernanke , Governor of the Federal
Reserve Board says inflation remains in check.
So, Ben, where are you buying your gasoline? I saved $300 in taxes this year but am paying $300 more for gas. Bush giveth and his oil buddies taketh it away. Windows is a pane in the glass! To find out a woman's faults, praise her to her girlfriends. *.* When you think you know what the writer means but aren't really sure ..... and don't care anyway ..... that's poetry. *.* A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you" ..... So I didn't. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants. *.* Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. "Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor. "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Max..... "Just make sure I get older!!!!" *.*
You may not know this but many
non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying! *.* The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be over reacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate. *.* Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price. I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing. *.* Have you ever been guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?" Well... You'll love this one! I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought this balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang." He beamed with pride. "When did you graduate? I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class! I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?" *.*
My brother-in-law, who owns a moving
company
in Washington, D.C., is now hiring. He anticipates a lot of activity come November. Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils; people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing. We could solve the global warming problem by permanently shutting down Congress and all the state legislatures. The ensuing reduction in hot air could usher in a mini-ice age. It is possible to own too much. A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with 2 watches is never absolutely sure. *.* The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World A responsible traveler won't set foot in another country without knowing how to viciously insult the people in their native language. Odds are, you won't even make it out of the airport before a situation arises that requires obscenities. But "obscenity" is an ever-moving target. It's an amalgamation of cultural taboos, the impact of current events and your mom. Accordingly, every country has developed a uniquely beautiful set of curses and insults that set it apart. While some insults are broadly accessible, like your mom, others will require a little background for the new student. Thus, we offer this helpful guide to the best and most vulgar (and very real) insults from around the world: #9. "Suck butter from my ass" (Chupe mantequilla de mi culo) Who Said That? The Spanish. Dear God Why? How does a culture wind up with "suck the butter from my ass" as an insult? It's starts with "Me cago en la leche," meaning "I shit in the milk." It's a common statement that's essentially a variant of "Damnit!" We're unsure how milk + poop = a jaunty, multipurpose expletive, but here we are. Other helpful Spanish phrases: When dookie is used for even the most pedestrian exclamations, more heated applications escalate the filth factor pretty rapidly: "I shit on your dead" (Me cago en tus muertos) "I shit on God" (Me cago en Dios) "I shit in/on your whore mother" (Me cago en tu puta madre) Note that's "in" or "on," we guess depending on how she likes it. And the list goes on. These folks just love shit. Basically you can hold your own in any argument in Spain if you're creative enough with where you deposit your waste matter. If you're a man who is sharp enough to destroy someone with this virtualized shit-flinging, pride may reward you with a "Brazo de santo," which literally translates to "arm of a saint" which means a full erection. #8. "A thousand dicks in your religion" (Elif air ab dinikh) Who Said That? The Arabs. Dear God Why? If you thought Spanish had an unusual fixation with fecal matter allow the Arabs to put it in perspective with their penis-based potshots. Describing someone as a "fatah" (foreskin) alone is considered a grave insult and that's only the tip of the proverbial/metaphorical ... iceberg. Other helpful Arabic phrases: "May you be struck by a dick" (Air il'e yoshmotak) "My dick in your conscience" (Airy fe dameerak) "My dick in your mother's rib cage" (Eyreh be afass seder emmak) That's not to say they're just smut peddlers insult-wise. Some of the most disrespectful things you can say are 100 percent penis-free like "Surmayye a'raasac" (A shoe is on your head). The foot is considered the most filthy part of the body, courtesy of their deserts not having any shortages on dirt. To direct your foot at someone verbally or physically means you aren't hiding your contempt, as vividly demonstrated by the thousands of Nike treads upside Saddam's bronze dome (right). That explanation was a lot easier to track back than "Yela'an sabe'a jad lak" (Damn your seventh grandfather), which is the deepest scope of damnation demonstrated by any culture thus far. We're not sure about the relevance of the "seventh," but we do respect that kind of surgical precision when trying to denigrate someone's family. #7. "He's as thick as a bull's walt" (that is, as dense as an erect bull penis) Who Said That? The Irish. Dear God Why? Many classic curses from Ireland come out of Gaelic, which gives them a more folksy, old-timey appeal. Such as, "Go n-ithe an cat thu, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat" (May the cat eat you, and may the devil eat the cat). Other helpful Irish phrases: Gaelic really does its best work when it is conjuring up ways to describe foul acts. Sure, it's faster to say two people were fucking, but wouldn't you rather describe it as skin-hitting ("bualadh craicinn") or leather stretching ("streachailt leathair")? The majority of Ireland does not speak Gaelic, but that hasn't hindered a bustling industry of filthy slang and occasionally rustic vernacular: "Gobshite" (shithead) "Piss artist" (alcoholic) "As Thick As Manure And Only Half As Useful." #6. "Let a hungry Carpathian long-haired she-wolf blow your dick, fuck" (Gladna Karpatska valchitza s dalag kosam minet da ti prai deeba) Who Said That? Bulgarians. Dear God Why? Bulgarian cursing is based on a hybrid of nature references and non sequiturs. Most of the good ones read like Tourette's syndrome Mad Libs. They still embrace common baselines, but the modifiers around it are what really shine. For instance: Other helpful Bulgarian phrases: "Your mother sucks bears in the forest" (Mayka ti duha na mechki v gorata) "Fuck this tilted field" (Da eba taz kreeva neeva) "You're as ugly as a salad" (Grozna si kato salata) Some of them are so elaborate, it's not entirely clear which part to be offended by. For instance, when someone tells you "Nosa ti e kato ruska putka" (Your nose is like a Russian pussy), should you be enraged at the comparison to a Russian or a vagina? And it's no different when being called "Pederas grozen gyrbaw prokazhen" (an unsightly hunchbacked leper queer). It sounds like swearing constructed from a profanity combo menu (please select one aspersion from Columns A, B and C). The real strength of this approach is having the ability to offend those unfazed by unattractive gay leper jokes, but with a deep personal hatred of hunchbacks. #5. "Fuck the 18 generations of your ancestors" (Cao ni zu zong shi ba dai) Who Said That? The Chinese (Mandarin). Dear God Why? Stop the presses! Though this is not technically damning. The Chinese have managed to smash the previous seven-generation threshold for familial insults through this little gem. Take that, Arabic. Other helpful Mandarin phrases: While Mandarin has a wealth of generalized insults for the intellectually stunted ("Sha gua" means retard--literally "stupid melon"), it really brings the heat with insults that don't sound at all insulting. "Wear a green hat." This doesn't sound particularly offensive until you understand that green hats were a component of the male brothel workers uniform during the Tang dynasty. These brothels were so prominent that some historians speculate the Tang dynasty was actually named after the amount of poozle they serviced rather than the emperor's family. References to green hats can challenge the fidelity of someone's wife or suggest someone's father is an anonymous man whore. "Your mother is a big turtle" (Nide muchin shr ega da wukwei). Again, means nothing without context. But because a turtle doesn't know its father, it's a creative way of calling someone a bastard. We'd probably still opt for "cho yade" (smelly slave wench), but we're steeped in a different tradition. #4. "Grandfatherfucker" (Afatottari) Who Said That? Icelanders. Dear God Why? Icelandic swearing is cutely offbeat. It leverages relatively bland sounding terminology and lets subtext do all the heavy lifting. Would you expect the country that hatched Bjork to be any less bizarre? Other helpful Icelandic phrases: "Plunger" (Drullusukkor). That is, the plumbing tool, roughly equivalent to "fucktard." "Girl who drives a truck" (Trukkalessa). A butch lesbian--that one sort of works in America too, no? When they eventually run out of random items to call one another, they will revert to grittier tactics. A grand majority of them revolve around who or what their antagonist is prone to fucking. "Corpsefucker" (naridill) "Sheepfucker" (rollurioari) "Unclefucker" (frandseroir) It's assuring to see other cultures helping us to push the envelope of what "fuck" is truly capable of. #3. "I'll make sarma with your penis' skin" (Glirit mortin hed sarma shinem) Who Said That? Armenians. Dear God Why? If you're not familiar with sarma, just picture an egg roll. Yeah, it doesn't get much more disturbing than that. Other helpful Armenian phrases: Fun Fact: You can gauge how industrialized a nation is by the percentage of their insults that involve barnyard animals. "Eshoon noor oodel chi vayeler" It's not pretty watching a jackass try to eat a pomegranate (read: clumsy). "Krisnera zhazh tan vred" Let the rats ejaculate on you. "Kak oudelic shoon" Shit eating dog. "Eshu Koorak" Son of Donkey. The one involving rats is particularly jarring. It leverages sexual violation and vermin to make its point. Either that or we've misinterpreted it and Armenia is actually some sort of Mecca for furries. There are a fair amount of genital references interwoven into their cursing as well. "Dzvis ty" translates to "My nut's twin", effectively calling the other person a testicle. It is not presently known if they intend you to usurp the existence of one of the balls present or if this is a declaration that Armenian men naturally sport a lone testicle. #2. "May God give you to search for your children with a Geiger counter" (Da bog da trazio detzoo Gaygerovim broyachem) Who Said That? Serbians. Dear God Why? The Serbian curse dictionary is unafraid to embrace controversy. Sure, they enjoy simple classics like "Jebo ti jeza u ledja" (May you fuck a hedgehog) and "Popasi me chmarne dlachitse" (Graze on my ass hair), but politics and even religious jabs are fair game. Such as ... Other helpful Serbian phrases: "The Pope fucks you" (Jebo te Papa) "May your house be live on CNN" (Da bog da ti kuca bila na CNN-U)--this essentially means I hope NATO will bomb your house. Not all their digs are quite so topical. The CNN-based insults only work against people whose homes haven't been bombed, which couldn't be more than a couple dozen. That's why "Da bi te majka prepoznala u bureku" (Let your mother recognize you in a meat pie) and "Da Bog da ti zena rodila stonogu pa ceo zivot radio za cipele" (May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life) are instant classics as well. #1. "Stick your hand in my ass and jerk off with my shit" (Sa-mi bagi mana-n cur si sa-mi faci laba la cacat) Who Said That? Romanians. Dear God Why? Romanian cursing is a bawdy, imaginative mix of the perverse and the profane. Modern linguists have determined that its roots originated from a time-traveling John Waters upon realizing there was still an entire history of people not grossed out by Pink Flamingos yet. Other helpful Romanian phrases: "Shampoo my dick-hair with your saliva" (Shampona-mi-ai flocii cu saliva) "Brush your teeth, my dick will be inspecting soon!" (Spala-te pe dinti ca vin cu pula in inspectie) Mothers are another favorite target in this region. However, rather than indulge the classic "Yo Mamma" insult architecture, they prefer to taint her sanctity in a round-about way. For example, "Usca-mi-as sosetele pe crucea ma`tii" (I dry my socks on your mother's cross) is blasphemous, but really only as a vehicle to get at the mom. You really have to applaud the balls it takes to assault God just to slam someone's mother. Another example of this is "Futu-tzi coliva ma~tii" (Fuck your mother's funeral meal). We're not sure if this meant to simply show disdain for the deceased or demonstrate intent to fornicate with the sarmalute cu mamaliga plate, but neither is particularly polite. Honorable Mentions: Here's some more helpful phrases as you travel the globe, insulting the locals in their native language: Danish: Suck devilcock in hell you faggotdwarf (Sut djavlepik i helvede din bossedvarg). Vietnamese: "You eat pubic hair with salt-dip" (May an long dai cham mui) Finnish: "Piss into a transformer" (Kuse muuntajaan) Afrikaans: "Suck on my hemorrhoids and wait for better days" (Siug aan my aambeie en wag vir beter dae") Albanian: "May you get fucked by a blind bear" (Te qifte arusha qorre) Bosnian: "I dream about farting on you" (Sanjam da prdnem na tebe) We're thinking that should cover about every situation. Enjoy your trip! *.* Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year! In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."! Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks! The fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia! There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world! Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum! An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards! A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day! Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace! One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water! More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby! In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds! Rice paper does not have any rice in it! Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day! In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word! Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin! The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice! The average person laughs 13 times a day! Dogs can hear sounds that you can't! Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women! It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them! Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words - none of them with the letter E! Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions! A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans! Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States! The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!
There are more than 50,000
earthquakes throughout the world every year!
The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'! Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?! The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven! Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints! Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is -- be it red or neon yellow! Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings! A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there, though! The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons! The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people! A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court! *.* 7 Innocent Gestures That Can Get You Killed Overseas If you've ever had your penis cut off and/or been executed while on holiday, you'll probably know that it's easy to offend people from other cultures. Unless you learn the ways of the place you're visiting, even the most well-meaning tourist can regularly find his oesophagus stuffed with burning goat. But surely just plain common sense and good manners will save you, right? Wrong. Extend Your Hand, Palm Outward in Greece What you think you are saying: "Phew! That was a heck of a moussaka. I'd eat another portion, but I'm completely stuffed." What you are actually saying: "Phew! That was a heck of a moussaka. I'd eat another portion, but I'm too busy rubbing handfuls of shit in your face." What the hell? In Greece, the "hand out" gesture is known as the moutza, and it dates back to the time of the Byzantine Empire, when criminals would be paraded through the streets on horseback, their faces blackened to indicate their shame. If they were lucky, the blackening agent would merely be charcoal. If they were unlucky, it would be a substance much, much worse ... SHIT, is what we're saying here. Their faces would be covered in SHIT. If you really want to piss a Greek person off, you can go for the double moutza, which features both hands splayed above your head. However, this will also make you look like a backup dancer from Cats, so it's your call. Give the Thumbs-Up In The Middle East What you think you are saying: "Ayyyyy! I'm the fuckin' Fonz!" What you are actually saying: "Ayyyyy! I'm going to jam my thumb in your anus!" What the hell? It's not just the Middle East. This seemingly universal gesture is also hideously offensive in West Africa and South America, whose citizens would doubtless get really confused if they ever watched Ebert and Roeper. "This movie is great, Bill! So great that I'd like to anally rape it with my thumb!" The thumbs-up sign has been confusing people for thousands of years. Contrary to Hollywood legend, Roman gladiators were not spared by a thumbs-up, but by a hidden thumb. If the origins of both gestures are linked, we can only assume this meant, "Do not kill the prisoner, he seems the perfect solution to the emperor's arthritic finger." Finish Your Meal In Thailand / The Philippines / China What you think you are saying: "This is a delicious meal. I mean it. I'm not the kind of guy who would lie about something like this. In fact, your meal was so fucking fabulous that I am going to finish every last morsel and then lick the plate so bright that it reveals the face of God." What you are actually saying: "You call yourself a host? I came here for a meal, not some Lilliputian hors d'oeuvre that wouldn't satisfy a mouse after a sizable brunch. Look at me. No, in the eyes. You disgust me." What the hell? It is always important that the host provides you with tasty food. However, in countries where steak in bleu cheese sauce costs approximately the same as a lung transplant, it is more important that the host provides you with enough food. In China, if you finish every last bite of your meal, you are implying that you weren't given enough. Therefore, even if the meal is the most sexually delicious thing that has ever slid down your throat, you should still leave one last morsel on the plate to stare up at you mournfully while you eye it with ill-concealed resentment. That said, the Orient isn't as uptight as this example suggests. In China it's considered perfectly good manners to talk with your mouth full and to burp after your meal. Farting seems to vary according to the situation and your current company, so ask ahead of time. Lighting the fart is frowned upon in almost all provinces. Say "Hi" to a Member of the Opposite Sex in Saudi Arabia What you think you are saying: "Hi Steve! How's things? Fancy getting a decaf latte?" What you are actually saying: "Hi, Steve! How's things? Fancy booking a hotel room so that I can do immoral sex acts on you in the name of Satan?" What the hell? According to sharia religious laws, it is deeply immoral for a woman to greet a man in public, or associate with any man other than her husband without an escort. In February 2008, one American woman openly conversed with a man in Starbucks, and was promptly arrested, strip-searched and forced to sign false confessions. Though, perhaps this is nitpicking considering women are not allowed to drive, vote, own shops, testify in court or ride bicycles there. Bizarrely, it's perfectly fine for women to fly high-powered jet planes, although they're clearly fucked if they feel like taking a bicycle to the airport. The point being, if you're a woman and are planning a move to Saudi Arabia, offending them with the whole public greeting thing is probably the least of your problems. Give an Even Number of Flowers in Russia What you think you are saying: "Darling, this week has been the most wonderful of my life. Since I first felt the sweet joy of your caress, I have truly come to know what it is to love and to be loved. Please accept these half-dozen roses as a symbol of my eternal tender devotion." (Lean forward for kiss.) What you are actually saying: DEATH! DEATH! DEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!! (Lean forward for kiss.) What the hell? In Russia, even numbers of flowers are only ever given at funerals, and such a gift is seen as inviting death, which you obviously don't want to do unless you're banging a goth chick. Choosing the right gift seems to be a minefield of morbidity everywhere you go. Never give a clock to a Chinese person, as the word "clock" is almost identical to a word for "death." Don't wrap your present in white paper there either, as this suggests funerals. And for God's sake, don't give anyone in Bangladesh white flowers or they will presumably be obliged to buy a spade and bury themselves while muttering at you reproachfully. You know what, screw giving a gift. You may come across as a selfish douchebag, but at least no one will hail you as the fourth horseman of the apocalypse. Give a Gift With Your Left Hand, Pretty Much Anywhere What you think you are saying: "Thank you very much for letting me marry your daughter. She is very beautiful. In gratitude, please accept this dainty, yet tuneful instrument. Did I mention that I'm left-handed?" What you are actually saying: "Thank you very much for letting me marry your daughter. She is the most worthless heap of dog vomit I have ever encountered, and I dearly wish that she would die. In gratitude, please accept a generous portion of my own effluence. Did I mention that I hate you?" What the hell? Toilet paper may have been around in China since 589 AD, but for much of the world, it remains a prohibitively expensive luxury. In places such as India, Sri Lanka, Africa and the whole of the Middle East, doing anything with your left hand is seen as unclean, as it is (as least symbolically) your ass-wiping hand. Eating out? Don't even think about using your left hand. It's better to come across as some kind of retarded monkey child than to imply that you rate your host's food on the same level as a lightly-steamed assburger. Of course, poop is not the only reason left-handedness is bad. According to the Qur'an, Satan himself was a southpaw, which is why he was able to successfully fool the right-handed batter that is mankind. Give the "OK" Sign in Brazil What you think you are saying: "Hi Brazil, I'm US President Richard Nixon, and I'm feeling terrific!" What you are actually saying: "Hi Brazil, I'm US President Richard Nixon, and I'm feeling that you should all go fuck yourselves!" (Note: The above examples are only valid if you are US President Richard Nixon) What the hell? In Brazil, the "OK" gesture is roughly equivalent to the finger in the US, which means you should not use it when your hotel manager asks you how your room is, unless you want to tell him that it's purple and velvety and recently molested his wife. The most famous incident of a misapplied "OK" sign was, in fact, Nixon's visit to Brazil in the '50s. While alighting from the aircraft, he lifted both hands to the cameras and double-fingered the entire nation. Nixon went on to greet the Brazilian Prime minister with a savage kick to the testicles, and concluded his visit by urinating from the window of a moving limousine. If you're visiting Brazil, you should also never touch any food with your fingers. Even stuff like pizzas and burgers should be eaten with a knife and fork. Not that you'll ever need to apply this knowledge, because after reading this article, you'd be insane if you ever travel abroad again. *.* Judas claims he only leaked Jesus' whereabouts to the Romans after he was authorized to do so by Dick Cheney. Congress is where a man gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees. There should be a better reward for promptness than having to wait for everyone else. Patient to doctor: "I don't need a stress test. I have a wife, three daughters and one bathroom." *.* A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs; in other words, redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day, she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich, and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professor had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends either because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.' Her father asked her, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend Audrey, who only has a 2.0? That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea! How would that be fair? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. And she's done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!' The father slowly smiled. *.* Never take advice from anyone who wants your job Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. The principal export of the United States is money. Few of us can stand prosperity . . . another man's that is. Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. The hardest decision in life is when to start middle age. The most famous inventor is an Irishman called Pat Pending. When two people in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary. *.*
A woman standing nude in front of a
mirror remarked to her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!' He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!' *.* Henry Fox, 1st Baron Holland, was an English statesman who died on July 1, 1774. His famous last words were purported to have been: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up. If I am alive I shall be delighted to see him, and if I am dead he would like to see me." *.* Oneliners I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate. Most would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. Katrina victims are learning the Law of Diminishing Compassion. Force without justice is tyrannical. When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt". I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters. Boredom is a sign of unused potential. A father is a man who carries pictures in his billfold where money used to be. *.* Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers and profits are up. Now they have 6 thousand more people living on macaroni and cheese. Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" *.*
The middle aged secretary had never
been married and had had
enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The pharmacist, silly." *.* OXYMORONS [n : conjoining contradictory terms] State worker. Legally drunk Exact estimate Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Small crowd Business ethics Amtrak schedule Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct life Plastic glasses Computer security Definite maybe Rap music Microsoft Works *.* An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years... Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad.... I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to yer family." "OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this mink coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the Sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...." Her father holds up his hand......... "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" he asks. Girl, crying and sniffling again, "A prostitute Dad" Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Bejaysus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! Oi thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old man a hug!" *.*
The 7 Most Powerful Wizards (Too
Lazy to Use Their Powers)
Wizards have been an essential element of fantasy movies since the dawn of the cinema. Essentially, you can't hope to have a universe of dragons, trolls and adventurous men with names like "Numedor" without including a powerful wizard who is there to lend a magical hand when the going gets tough. Unfortunately, not every wizard in film history has stepped up, and some seem to flat-out prefer cashing in their wizard pensions and spending the rest of their 2,000-year lifespan as the door greeter at Walmart than perform their expected duties. Albus Dumbledore (the Harry Potter series) Dumbledore is the headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and basically the most powerful damned wizard in the Harry Potter universe. He's a kindly old man, which is a good thing because he can turn invisible, create objects out of thin air, read minds, shoot fire, whatever. He's pretty much a god. Unfortunately, most of the time he gives kind of boring speeches and makes a teenage boy do everything that he, being nearly all-powerful, should probably be doing instead. The case against him: Fans of the Harry Potter series have uttered the phrase "Where the crap is Dumbledore during all of this?" more than once. He's usually away on business when Harry and his friends are in imminent danger of attack, and the three of them are usually left to either figure out difficult riddles or single-handedly fight humongous snakes, a giant troll, an army of gigantic spiders--pretty much every horror imaginable. And when he says he's away on business, you know he's probably just hanging out in his apartment in his wizard underpants watching the wizarding equivalent of Frasier reruns. Consider Prisoner of Azkaban, where in order to save a friend he casually advises Hermione to use a "Time Turner" device, which lets you effortlessly go back in time and change any thing you want. Wait, what? Why didn't he go back in time and deal with it? Or better yet prevent all those things from happening with his wizard powers? Why not go back and prevent the birth of the wizard Antichrist, Voldemort? And in the 6th book, he actually dies. The man can travel through time, but he couldn't prevent his own freaking death? Skeletor (Masters of the Universe) Skeletor is He-Man's main nemesis in the Masters of the Universe TV show, comics and films. Essentially a nude, muscular Smurf with a yellow skull for a head, Skeletor is a highly-skilled sorcerer who wields one half of the "Power Sword." He-Man has the other half, and whoever unites the two will become, dare we say, the Master of the Universe. The case against him: If you're into nude men who like to ride around on giant cats then your entertainment options were pretty much limited to He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. As a fan you know that Skeletor was possibly the baddest guy on this or any other planet. He was blue, wore nothing but some legwarmers, a mini-skirt and a pair of suspenders, and had an entire mysterious magical arsenal at his command. He could fire lasers out of his eyes, teleport and shoot lightning out of his hands. But most convenient of all, was that he possessed the power of 'remote viewing' which enabled him to sit around in Snake Mountain and cackle at a vision of He-Man and his fellow semi-nude male friends, remarking to henchman Beast Man how He-Man was 'about to fall into' a devious trap he'd set (devious in this case meaning "easily escapable"). Unfortunately, most of the time He-Man escapes from Skeletor's snares by either tricking him or overpowering him. Often the two would wind up dueling with their Power Swords, and He-Man would usually win by cutting a rope that would cause a chandelier to land on Skeletor, binding his arms as he hopped up and down, cursing He-Man and vowing revenge. Why Skeletor during these encounters would not rely on his eyeball lasers or finger lightning is not known. Skeletor also demonstrated, on several occasions, an ability to teleport himself as well as other people across great distances. The fact that He-Man does not find himself whisked away to Bismarck, North Dakota every time he engages Skeletor is a question for the ages, or at the very least the screenwriters. Profion (Dungeons and Dragons) In this 2000 film, good Empress Savina is deeply concerned about equal rights and democracy for all, while evil Wizard Profion (Jeremy Irons) wants to rule all the land by ... OK, who cares, really? This movie was terrible, and Profion was the bad guy. The case against him: As far as evil wizards go, Profion is about as evil as they come. You can tell he's evil because he laughs at his own jokes a lot and hams up every scene he's in. Since he was portrayed by Academy Award-winning actor Jeremy Irons, you'd think there would be some semblance of craft going on, and you would be wrong. Anyway, Profion seems to be the most knowledgeable wizard in all the land--the only real competition we notice in the movie is in the form of a highly inexperienced apprentice wizard named Marina, who throughout the film relies almost entirely on Marlon Wayans and some other guy to rescue her. Magically speaking, Profion could pretty much have his way with everyone in the entire D&D universe and there isn't a damn thing anyone could really do about it. Instead, Profion spends the entire movie laughing at something he just said and looking out from his tower of doom at the destruction he has wrought while, again, cackling wildly at what a hoot the whole thing is to him. He also refuses to do any actual work and sends his lackey, Damodar, to chase the good guys, as if standing around and chewing all the scenery is a full-time job. Merlin (Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders) Merlin has returned after centuries of absence to open up a shop in modern day America, circa 1984. With his bulky wife, Zurella, Merlin gives away or loses a number of magical artifacts which wreak havoc ranging from summoning Satan to causing plants to die. The case against him: As legend has it, Merlin is one of the greatest and most powerful wizards who has ever lived. Part human, part demon, he is a being of supreme skill and wisdom. Various writings have shown Merlin to have the power of prophecy, telepathy, necromancy, the ability to conjure realistic and terrifying illusions, and even an Obi Wan Kenobi-like "force ghost" power to revisit the living after death. For being the keeper of all magical knowledge in the world and for supposedly being all-seeing and all-knowing, the Merlin in the '90s made-for-TV Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders would seem not up to the task of working the graveyard shift at a 7-11, much less raising the dead. Lacking a basic knowledge of economics, Merlin gives away items in his store free of charge to anyone who decides to stop in, and he relies exclusively on a puppet, uh, we mean dragon, named Gwendelin for his security system. When a street hoodlum foils Gwendelin and makes off with an evil toy monkey, Merlin recovers the item not via a location triangulation spell but by handing out 'have you seen me?' flyers bearing the monkey's picture. Why not summon the monkey back using his powers of teleportation? Why not travel back in time and beef up his store's security? Why not rain hellfire down upon the earth, destroying the monkey and most of the planet's inhabitants? Unfortunately, we may never know. Gargamel (The Smurfs) Gargamel is a hermit "wizard" who is the Smurfs' main antagonist. At various times he either wants to capture the Smurfs and use them as part of a potion that creates gold, or he wants to eat them. The Smurfs are a versatile resource for Gargamel. The case against him: If successful wizarding were baseball, Gargamel would be the White Sox. His only goal in life is to capture the Smurfs and since all Smurfs are roughly the size of squirrels and subsist almost entirely on a diet of Smurfberries, one would conclude that a basic knowledge of mousetraps would do the trick. Instead, Gargamel, with the entire arsenal of potions from the wizarding world at his disposal, launches infuriatingly complicated Rube Goldbergian magical schemes, and completely fails every single time. Being outsmarted by a Smurf is like being outsmarted by one of your shoes. The Smurfs each fulfill a specific function in their little communist utopia, such as being bashful, vain or gay. Take them out of that element and they have no idea how to cope outside of screaming their blue heads off to get Papa Smurf to rescue them. The fact that Papa Smurf usually does rescue them by using his own magical powers means that Papa Smurf is actually a far greater wizard than Gargamel. By extension this probably also means that one of your shoes is likely a far greater wizard than Gargamel. Ulrich of Craggenmoor (Dragonslayer) In this 1981 cult classic, Ulrich of Craggenmoor is the only wizard left in the world, or at least the world known as the Kingdom of Urland in which the film takes place. He is almost immediately killed while showing off for a knight named Tyrian. The case against him: You might think it's a little unfair to pick on a wizard who dies right at the beginning of his film, and we'd have to agree with you in most cases except this one. When Ulrich dies, no one remains to defeat the evil dragon, Valerian, except Ulrich's doofy apprentice, Galen Bradwarden. The entire movie passes by before you find out Ulrich died on purpose so Galen could bring him back to life at the end, thus saving Ulrich from an entire movie's worth of walking around. That's right--he'd rather die than exert himself a little. Here we're not even discussing wizarding powers-Ulrich is simply an extremely lazy human being. As a wizard, you'd think there would be an easier means other than causing one's own death to span distances or time. Cryogenic freezing would be one. Carbonite would be another. As would turning one's self into some kind of winged creature and gliding to wherever it is you're going. Any decent wizard should have any number of these options at his fingertips, and by all accounts Ulrich was a more-than-decent wizard. Then again, if part of Ulrich's decision to die was to get out of having to hang out with that dumbass Galen for the entire movie, we have an entirely new respect for him. Gandalf (The Lord of the Rings) Gandalf is a wizened old wizard beloved by Hobbits and various other things in part due to his curmudgeonly nature and propensity for smoking weed while lighting off trippy fireworks. In the films, he has a working knowledge of Middle Earth geography, has a number of decent contacts amongst the ruling parties of the land and is there with his glowing staff whenever anyone needs a flashlight. The case against him: In the books, Gandalf is a being of extraordinary magical prowess. Immortality, for starters. He also happens to be able to disappear at will, is apparently impervious to injury, can conjure and control fire, has limitless knowledge of spells, potions, and sorcery, and is all but unequaled in the wizard world. In the films, though, we primarily see his ability to speak ominously when any Hobbit gives him any lip, and for being able to produce light from the end of his decorative stick. Without warning, he'll flash real ability, such as when he went toe-to-toe with the massive fiery Balrog (complete with a cool-ass invincibility bubble that would have come in handy on about 200 other occasions). That he chooses to use those skills so rarely with all of Middle Earth at stake must have been incredibly frustrating for the people who had to work with him. If he can defeat a Balrog, why does he spend 12 hours sitting around trying to figure out the password to the Gates of Moria? Why not just blow them up with a silent rock-exploding spell? Why is a super-powered wizard with unlimited magical ability doing fighting orcs hand-to-hand? This is like melting ants with a magnifying glass when you have access to an M1 Abrams tank. The same guy who can make magical force fields that will block a giant demon sword in the first film, goes charging into battle in the third by smacking people with his staff. Gandalf's laziness as a wizard is cemented by his perpetual spankings at the hand of Saruman, who one-ups Gandalf time and again. Gandalf shoves Saruman with his stick, Saruman then makes Gandalf spin wildly on his head and then levitates thousands of feet to the top of Isengard Tower. Gandalf speaks to butterflies, Saruman creates a new race of super-monsters. Gandalf makes fireworks, Saruman creates an avalanche from hundreds of miles away. It kind of makes it hard to root for Gandalf to be top wizard in Middle Earth. Saruman sort of earned it. *.* Oneliners: What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning Health is wealth and it's tax-free! If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go. Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint. I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I know why surgeons wear masks! *.* More Strange Facts... 27. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=cigarette+lighter+invented+before+match&btnG=Google+Search 26. The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=average+chocolate+bar+insect+legs&btnG=Search 25. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. http://www.science-frontiers.com/sf058/sf058b07.htm 24. Its impossible to smoke oneself to death with weed. You won't be able to retain enough motor control and consciousness to do so after such a large amount. (Common Sense) 23. Uncle Phil, from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, did the voice of Shredder in the TMNT cartoon. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0043041/ 22. Every drop of seawater contains approximately 1 billion gold atoms. http://www.webelements.com/webelements/elements/text/Au/geol.html 21. The US national anthem actually has three verses, but everyone just knows the first one. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Star-Spangled_Banner 20. During World War II, IBM built the computers the Nazis used to manage their death/concentration camps. http://www.ibmandtheholocaust.com/articles/auschwitz.html 19. The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population. http://www.perceptions.couk.com/superants.html 18. The deadliest war in history excluding World War II was a civil war in China in the 1850s in which the rebels were led by a man who thought he was the brother of Jesus Christ. http://www.asiawind.com/pub/forum/fhakka/mhonarc/msg00451.html 17. Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now, than before you finished reading this. http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/ask_earl/page?d=20000714 16. Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted. http://www.snopes.com/music/songs/birthday.asp 15. The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the number of all the people that have died. Ever. 14. The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year. 13. The Kamp Krusty episode of the Simpson's was originally meant to be made as the Simpsons movie. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kamp_Krusty 12. Men can breastfeed babies http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation 11. There is a rare condition called Exploding Head Syndrome which you've probably never heard of. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exploding_head_syndrome 10. Scientists have determined that fungi are more closely related to human beings and animals than to other plants. http://www.factmonster.com/spot/fungus1.html 9. In some (maybe all) Asian countries, the family name is written first and the individual name written second (opposite of the America method). That's why Asian athletes like Yao Ming and Ichiro Suzuki have Yao and Ichiro written on their jerseys. Those are their family names and in America their names are written Ming Yao and Suzuki Ichiro. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_name 8. Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860 http://www.historycooperative.org/journals/jala/19.1/hall.html 7. A German World War II submarine was sunk due to malfunction of the toilet. http://forum.axishistory.com/viewtopic.php?t=9684&start=0 6. Washington State has the longest single beach in the United States. Long Beach, WA. http://www.gonorthwest.com/Washington/southwest/Long-Beach/Long_Beach.htm 5. The largest living thing on the face of the Earth is a mushroom underground in Oregon, it measures three and a half miles in diameter. http://www.infoplease.com/spot/fungus1.html 4. The town of Los Angeles, California, was originally named El Pueblo la Nuestra Senora de Reina de los Angeles de la Porciuncula. http://www.usc.edu/isd/archives/la/historic/la_settlement.html 3. 9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. This isn't true; Joseph Swan did. http://chem.ch.huji.ac.il/~eugeniik/history/swan.html 2. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible. http://www.newton.dep.anl.gov/askasci/gen01/gen01338.htm 1. The Population of the world can live within the state boundaries of Texas. http://www.improb.com/teach/lessons2002/people-in-texas.html *.* President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. “Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland. Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!” “Well Archie,” George replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?” “Right now,” said Archie, after a moment's calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!” George paused. “I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command.” Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I'll have at call ya back!” Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!” “And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked. “Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, three fishing boats, two harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry's farm tractor.” President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.” “Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye”, said Archie. “I'll be getting back to ya.” Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!” George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!” “Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie, “I'll have ta call youse back.” Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war.” “I'm sorry to hear that” said George. “Why the sudden change of heart?” “Well, sir,” said Archie, “we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.” *.*
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for
speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks,
"Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies
the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking
something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I
think you're an asshole!"
*.* Common misconceptions History The belief that gunpowder, even though it was a Chinese invention, was first used for war by the Europeans is a misconception. The Chinese used flame throwers and gunpowder arrows for military purposes from the 900s onward.[1] Paul Revere was not the only American colonist who rode to warn the Minute Men of the British before the battle of Lexington and Concord of the American Revolutionary War. The story of Paul Revere is largely based on the poem "Paul Revere's Ride", written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1860.[2] Christopher Columbus's efforts to obtain support for his voyages were not hampered by a European belief in a flat Earth.[3] In fact, sailors and navigators of the time knew that the Earth was spherical, but (correctly) disagreed with Columbus' estimates of the distance to the Indies (see Flat Earth). If the Americas did not exist, and Columbus had continued to the Indies (even putting aside the threat of mutiny he was under) he would have run out of supplies before reaching them at the rate he was traveling. Abraham Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation did not immediately free all American slaves, just the ones in the area under revolt (i.e. the South). Since that area did not recognize his authority, only a few slaves were immediately freed by the Emancipation Proclamation. Most slaves were freed as Confederate territory came under Union control over the course of the war. It took the thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution to free slaves in the few Union slave states. Napoleon Bonaparte was not especially short. After his death in 1821, the French emperor's height was recorded as 5 feet 2 inches in French feet. This corresponds to 5 feet 6.5 inches in Imperial (British) feet, or 1.686 metres, making him slightly taller than an average Frenchman of the 19th century.[4] The metric system was introduced during his lifetime, so it was natural that he would be measured in feet and inches for much of his life. A French inch was 2.71 centimetres,[5] an Imperial inch is 2.54 centimetres. In addition to this miscalculation, his nickname, "le petit caporal", adds to the confusion, as non-francophones mistakenly take petit literally as meaning "small"; in fact, it is an affectionate term reflecting on his camaraderie with ordinary soldiers. He also surrounded himself with soldiers, his elite guard, who were always six feet tall or more. During World War II, King Christian X of Denmark did not thwart Nazi attempts to identify Jews by wearing a yellow star himself. Jews in Denmark were never forced to wear the Star of David. The Danish government did help most Jews flee the country before the end of the war.[6] Italian dictator Benito Mussolini did not make the trains run on time. Much of the repair work had been performed before Mussolini and the Fascists came to power in 1922. Accounts from the era also suggest that the Italian railways' legendary adherence to timetables was more myth than reality.[7] It is believed that the phrase "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche." ("Let them eat cake.") was not said by Marie Antoinette, but by another noble (a princess in another country, at another time). An argument to support this theory is that the brioche had not been invented at the time of the French Revolution. Also, Jean-Jacques Rousseau recounts the anecdote (with "pastry" in place of "cake") in the 6th book of his 'Confessions' three years before Marie Antoinette joined the court at Versailles in 1770.[8] The German crowd witnessing John F. Kennedy's speech in Berlin in 1963 did not mistake Ich bin ein Berliner to mean "I am a jelly doughnut".[9] The pastry is known as a Berliner only in some parts of Germany, but not in Berlin. Food origins French fries probably originated in Belgium. The name comes from the cooking term "to french" which means to cut food into strips, hence they are "frenched and fried". American-style French dressing neither originated, nor has been popular, in France. UK-style French Dressing (a mix of vinegar and olive oil), while popular in France, is more correctly referred to as Vinaigrette. Danish pastries do not come from Denmark but Austria. In Danish, and the other scandinavian languages, they are known as "wienerbrød" ("Vienna bread"). Science Astronomy While in a low orbit (an altitude of about 185 km), a viewer of good eyesight can see portions of the Great Wall of China from space. It isn't, however, unique in that regard. From such a height, a multitude of land features and man-made objects are visible, including: highways, ships in the sea, dams, railroads, cities, fields of crops, airports, and even some individual buildings. As to the claim that it is the only man-made object visible from the Moon, this is completely false. None of the Apollo astronauts reported seeing any man-made object from the Moon, and certainly not the Great Wall. One thing that must be remembered is that the Great Wall, while massive, is comparatively thin, generally no thicker than 10 feet when viewing from above. Moreover, the colour of the Great Wall is very similar to that of the soil around it, making it hardly distinctive. The misconception is believed to have popularized by Richard Halliburton.[10] The phrase "dark side of the Moon" does not imply that only one side of the moon receives sunlight. It refers to the side of the moon away from Earth,[11] where radio transmissions from Earth are blocked by the intervening mass of the Moon (making it "dark" to line-of-sight communications). Since the Moon is in a tidally locked orbit, it always keeps the same face, or side, toward the Earth, and therefore the far side is never visible from Earth (see also tidal acceleration for a more quantitative description of the Earth-Moon system). Once per synodic month, the near side of the Moon is indeed largely illuminated by the Sun, and the far side is literally "dark". At this time, we are able to see most of the area of the near side, resulting in a full moon. Likewise, once per synodic month the far side of the moon is so illuminated, leaving the near side dark, resulting in a new moon. The gravity of a black hole is slightly weaker than, not stronger than, the gravity of the star which formed it (at distances greater than the star's radius). Isaac Newton's laws of gravitation state that, for an object with a spherically symmetric distribution of mass, two things affect how much gravitational force is felt by an observer: the mass of the object and the distance between the observer and the object's center of mass. A black hole has slightly less mass than the star which formed it, because when a star becomes a supernova, some of the star's mass is converted into energy according to Einstein's equation E = mc², and a great deal of the star's mass is returned to the interstellar medium. Only when a distance of (slightly less than) the star's original radius is passed does the force of gravity become greater. The event horizon is usually much smaller than the original star's radius. As such, black holes are not similar to "cosmic vacuum cleaners". Objects can settle into stable orbits around them just as they would around any other mass in space, including stars. When a meteor lands on Earth (after which it is termed a meteorite), it is not usually hot. Small meteorites are not hot when they fall to Earth — in fact, many are found with frost on them. A meteorite has been in the near–absolute zero temperature of space, so the interior of it is very cold. A meteor's great speed is enough to melt its outside layer, but any molten material will be quickly blown off (ablated), and the interior of the meteor does not have time to heat up because rocks are poor conductors of heat. Also, atmospheric drag can slow small meteors to terminal velocity by the time they hit the ground, giving them time to cool down.[12] The North Star, Polaris, is not the brightest star in the northern hemisphere night sky. This honor is held by Sirius, with an apparent magnitude of -1.47 (Polaris in comparison is 1.97, barely making the top-50 brightest stars list). Its importance lies in its proximity to the north celestial pole, meaning its location in the sky currently marks North. Seasons are not caused by Earth being closer to the sun in summer than in winter. Rather, they are caused by Earth's tilted axis. In July, during Northern Hemisphere summer, Earth actually reaches its furthest distance from the sun, but the northern part of the planet is tilted towards the sun, giving longer days and more direct sunlight; in winter, it is tilted away. The seasons are reversed in the Southern Hemisphere, which is tilted towards the sun in January and away from the sun in July. The tropics do not have substantial seasonal variation in sunlight. The Lunar phases are not caused by the Earth's shadow (lunar eclipses, by contrast, are). Instead, as the Moon orbits Earth, we see its illuminated half from differing angles in relation to the Sun. Health A "tongue map" showing zones supposedly sensitive to the tastes bitter, sour, salty and sweet. In reality, there are no such zones. Different tastes can be detected on all parts of the tongue, contrary to the popular belief that specific tastes correspond to specific sites on the tongue.[13][14][15] The original "tongue map" was based on a mistranslation by a Harvard psychologist of a German paper that was written in 1901.[16] Sensitivity to all tastes occurs across the whole tongue and indeed in other regions of the mouth where there are taste buds (epiglottis, soft palate).[17] People do not use only ten percent of their brains. This myth is thought by some to have emerged after the discovery of glial cells in the brain, or it could have been the result of some other misunderstood or misinterpreted legitimate scientific findings, or even been the result of speculation by self-help gurus.[18] There is no single theory that satisfactorily explains myopia -- in particular, studies show that "eyestrain" from close reading and computer games does not explain myopia. There is also no evidence that reading in dim light causes vision to deteriorate. Shaving does not cause hair to grow back thicker or coarser. This belief is due to the fact that hair wears down over time, whereas, immediately after it has grown back, it has had no time to wear. Thus, it appears thicker, and feels coarser due to the sharper, unworn corners Hair and fingernails do not continue to grow after a person dies. Rather, the skin dries and shrinks away from the bases of hairs and nails, giving the appearance of growth. Eating sucrose (a kind of sugar) raises blood sugar or glucose levels in the blood, but eating other foods, such as white bread, can raise blood sugar even more when the body is able to quickly break it down into individual glucose units. Biology Warts on human skin are caused by viruses that are unique to humans (Human papillomavirus). Humans cannot catch warts from toads or other animals; the bumps on a toad are not warts.[19] Koalas are not bears. They are not even placental mammals; they are marsupials. The giant panda, however, is a bear, while the red panda is closely related to raccoons. Some bats use echolocation to navigate while flying in darkness. Bats are not blind, however. Their eyes are small and poorly developed, but they are still capable of sight, particularly long-range; and in fact can be severely disoriented by excessive light. The claim that a duck's quack doesn't echo is false.[20] The notion that goldfish have a memory of only three seconds is completely false. They have been trained to navigate mazes and can recognize their owners after an exposure of a few months. Lemmings do not engage in suicidal dives off cliffs when migrating. This misconception is due largely to the Disney film White Wilderness, which shot many of the "migration" scenes on a large turntable in a studio. Photographers later pushed the lemmings off a cliff using a broom. Mammal blood is bright red or scarlet when oxygenated and a darker red when not oxygenated. It is never blue. Veins appear blue through the skin because of Rayleigh scattering, the same effect responsible for the blue sky. The claim that individuals with a different number of chromosomes can never produce viable offspring is false - Przewalski's Horse, for example, can produce viable offspring with the common horse, despite a different number of chromosomes. It is not true that earthworms can become two worms if you cut one in half. An earthworm can survive being bisected, but only one half of the worm can survive. If one cuts the worm too close to the saddle (the fat pink section where all of the worm's vital organs are located) then the worm may die.[21] Physics The Coriolis effect doesn't determine the direction that water rotates in a bathtub drain or a flushing toilet. The Coriolis force is relatively small; it appears over large scales (like weather systems) or in carefully-balanced systems such as the Foucault pendulum. In a bathtub or toilet, the flow of the water over the basin itself produces forces that dwarf the Coriolis force. In addition, most toilets inject water into the bowl at an angle, in order to better remove material from the bowl; the resulting spin is tens of thousands of times too fast to be overcome by the Coriolis effect. Bicycles and motorcycles don't use gyroscopic forces to balance.[22][23][24]. The stability of a bicycle is a result of its geometry and the rider's ability to counteract tilting by steering. It is not true that air takes the same time to travel above and below an aircraft's wing. This misconception is widespread among textbooks and reference books, and even appears in pilot training materials. If this were truly the case, there would be no lift generated by the wings and the plane wouldn't fly. Airplanes fly because air (both above and below the wing) is deflected downward. Airplanes flying long distances between two places usually take less time flying west-to-east than east-to-west, not because of the earth's rotation directly, but because airlines tend to profit from natural air currents called jet streams. The blue color of lakes and oceans is not only a reflection of the blue sky. Water looks blue because water is blue; the water molecules do absorb some light, and they absorb red frequencies more than blue. The effect is small, so the blue color only becomes obvious when observing layers of water many meters (or more) thick. (This effect is noticeable to a lesser amount in white-painted swimming pools.) In salt water or mineral-laden fresh water, the color of dissolved minerals can also be seen. Sky-reflection does play a role, but it is not the only factor. The Earth's North Magnetic Pole is not a north magnetic pole, but rather a south magnetic pole. Since a compass needle is a magnet whose "North" end has standard north polarity, and since magnetic poles are attracted to their opposites, the compass needle points to the magnetic south pole of the Earth's magnetic field. Therefore, the Arctic pole is a south-type pole, while the Antarctic pole is a north-type pole. (However, the poles have flipped in the past, with the last reversal being the Brunhes-Matuyama reversal of 780,000 years ago.) Earth also has a more complicated magnetic field than one might get from a simple dipole. The earth has a strong overall dipole on which is superposed on a weaker quadrupole, as well as higher-order magnetic moments. Not only have the magnetic poles moved to opposite geographic poles in the past, but they also drift around more or less randomly, presumably because of the movements of the molten nickel-iron alloy in the Earth's core. Due to Archimedes's principle, the melting of glaciers contributes far more to raising sea level than the melting of sea ice or floating icebergs. The predicted threat of rising sea levels due to global warming is mainly due to the detachment or melting of inland ice, such as that on Greenland and the West Antarctic Ice Sheet in Antarctica, the melting of glaciers, and the thermal expansion of seawater. Melting of sea ice in the Arctic makes only a tiny contribution, by lowering the global average salinity (and therefore the density) of seawater. The melting of Antarctic ice is not predicted to be the largest cause of rising sea levels in the near future. While complete melting of the Antarctic ice sheet would be the largest of all potential contributions to sea level change, the likelihood of total melting is extremely small. Antarctica may even help offset rising sea level by accumulating more snow. At worst, the partial melting of Antarctic ice is predicted to be only the fourth-largest potential contribution to sea level rise by the year 2100 (?170 to +20mm), after thermal expansion of the world's oceans (+110 to +430mm), melting glaciers (+10 to +230mm), and melting Greenland ice (?20 to +90mm). It is not true that a nozzle (or a person's thumb) on the end of a garden hose makes the water squirt farther because the same amount of water gets forced through a smaller opening. The rate of flow of water through the hose is not a set constant; in fact, putting one's thumb over the end of the hose reduces the rate of flow. The thing that is constant is the water pressure at the source. When water is flowing, the pressure decreases the farther from the source one gets due to friction between the water and the pipes it's flowing through. The faster the water moves through the pipe, the greater is the friction that cuts down pressure at the output end. A thumb over the end of the hose decreases the flow rate and therefore the friction, so the pressure goes up and the water squirts farther.[25] Earth science Mount Everest Mount Everest is, indisputably, the highest point of land above sea level (8850 meters / 29035 feet) which, according to traditional measurements, means that it is the tallest mountain in the world. Given certain definitions, however, this can be challenged.[35] One alternative method of measurement is the base-summit height. When this is applied, Mauna Kea (a dormant volcano in Hawaii) turns out to be much higher at 10,314 meters (33,480 feet). This takes into account Mauna Kea's base on the ocean floor, some 6000 meters below sea level. Its height above sea level is only 4,208 meters (13,796 feet). If the base-summit height is measured from land only, Mount Kilimanjaro is the tallest free-standing mountain in the world, meaning it does not belong to a mountain range or chain, measured from its base (at ground level) to the summit at 5,896 meters (19,344 feet). Another alternative method is to work out the furthest point of land as measured from the centre of the earth. Chimborazo, a volcano in Ecuador, takes this honor, because the Earth "bulges" at the equator.[36] This peak is 2,100 meters "taller" than Everest. The Sahara is the world's largest hot desert, but it is not the world's largest desert (arid land). Antarctica has almost no liquid precipitation (rain) and little or no vegetation. Almost no animal life exists in its interior at all (scientific research stations and nesting snow petrels are about the only exceptions). It is land that lacks liquid water available for plants and animals to use. This is sufficient to qualify it as a desert, and it is larger than the Sahara. Claims that the number and intensity of earthquakes are increasing[37][38][39] are unfounded. The number and intensity of earthquakes varies from year to year but there is no increasing trend.[40][41] Religion Albert Einstein did not believe in God in a "personal" sense. Many people misinterpreted his words in public, to which Einstein himself responded by saying: "It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it." [42] The phrase "separation of church and state" does not occur in the U.S. Constitution. It was first used in a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote to the Danbury Baptist Association of Connecticut, reassuring them that religious minorities (such as Baptists) would be protected under the Bill of Rights. His expression "wall of separation between church and state" was a description of the intended effect of the First Amendment's Establishment and Free Exercise provisions, not a quotation therefrom. [43] Christianity Nowhere in the Bible is the fruit eaten by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden referred to as an apple. The fruit is called the "Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil" (from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil) and not identified as a known species. In Middle English, however, apple was a generic term for all fruit, other than berries but including nuts, as late as the 17th century.[44] The term immaculate conception does not refer to Jesus's conception by the Virgin Mary, but rather to the Roman Catholic teaching that Mary herself was conceived without the stain of Original Sin. The number of Biblical Magi who visited Jesus is never specified, only that they carried three gifts. Additionally, they are never referred to as "kings". Nowhere in the Bible is Mary Magdalene ever referred to as a prostitute. Before her seeing the risen Jesus, the only other mention besides the listing of her name is the mentioning in Luke 8:2 that she had been possessed by seven demons.[46] The word "prodigal" in the parable of the Prodigal Son does not mean one who travels (or, alternatively, one who travels and then returns). "Prodigal" means "characterized by a profuse or wasteful expenditure". The Prodigal Son of the story wasted all of the money he obtained from his father and had to work as a lowly pig-tender until he finally recognized that even his father's servants lived better than he and went back to his father.[47] The canon of the New Testament was not selected by Constantine at the First Council of Nicaea. Constantine did not personally have a vote on the council, and the canon had been settled to a large degree—by common consent rather than conciliar decree—from the early second century. Furthermore, the council did not consider the matter of canon in its proceedings. The New Testament was not routinely altered by scribes and priests through the centuries. Spelling errors and other copyist mistakes exist in all of the extant manuscripts, but there are only a very few[48] examples of what modern philologists and textual critics believe are intentional alterations (e.g., the Pericope Adulterae). Noted New Testament textual critic Bart D. Ehrman states: "It would be a mistake. . .to assume that the only changes being made were by copyists with a personal stake in the wording of the text. In fact, most of the changes found in our early Christian manuscripts have nothing to do with theology or ideology. Far and and away the [sic] most changes are the result of mistakes, pure and simple—slips of the pen, accidental omissions, inadvertent additions, misspelled words, blunders of one sort or another."[49] In the book of Genesis, the serpent in the Garden of Eden is not explicitly identified as being Satan. Additionally, Satan is never explicitly given the name "Lucifer" ("light bearer") in the Bible; that name comes from the Vulgate (Latin) translation of a prophecy in Isaiah 14:12, which some Christians interpret as referring to the fall of Satan from heaven. Hinduism Hinduism is not one distinct religion, but came to be under the British who, confused about the intricacies of Indian philosophy, used the word as an umbrella term for all the religious, spiritual, and philosophical traditions of the sub-continent. This excludes the distinct dharmic religions of Sikhism, Buddhism, and Jainism. Despite this, all traditions considered "Hindu" today draw their validity from four core scriptures called the Vedas. Those traditions that reject the Vedas are considered nastika (heterodox), as opposed to astika (orthodox). Shiva is not female. Shiva is one of the three main male gods of the current Hindu beliefs and is supposed to be "the destroyer" (along with Vishnu "the manager " and Brahma "the creator" of the Universe in the Karmic circle of life). Hinduism is considered a family of religions and as such has no concept of God universal to all astika sects. Hinduism is thus not strictly polytheistic across all sampradyas (traditions), but can at the same time be pantheistic or panentheistic, or be distinctly henotheistic or monotheistic. Technology Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet, Thomas Edison did not invent the light bulb, and Henry Ford did not invent the automobile or the internal combustion engine. In all three cases, their contributions were in the area of improving and popularizing the devices in question. For example, Ford introduced the assembly line, and used it to bring the cost of automobiles into reach of many more people, and Thomas Edison refined the internal gases and filaments, making a bulb last longer. Neither did Guglielmo Marconi invent the radio, a patent which was filed before him by Nikola Tesla, a Serbian American engineer, and a claim that was ratified by the US Supreme Court in 1943 in Tesla's favour. ENIAC was not the first digital computer. Rather, it was the first general-purpose all-electronic computer. The Atanasoff-Berry Computer (ABC) and the Colossus computer were digital electronic computers but were not general-purpose, being designed for only particular applications. The Z3 was digital and general-purpose but was partly electromechanical rather than electronic. Also, ENIAC did not use binary arithmetic, as the above three did (and as modern computers do); it used decimal. There's no reliable scientific evidence that installing "security lighting" in outdoor areas actually deters crime; it may actually make crime easier. For instance, a burglar who is forced to use a flashlight is more easily spotted than one who can see by existing light. [51] There is little evidence that CCTV security cameras deters crime; the most measurable effect of CCTV is not on crime prevention, but on detection and prosecution. Transportation The ship Mary Celeste was not called Marie Celeste. In fact Marie Celeste was the spelling used by Arthur Conan Doyle in a story based on the incident. The first heavier-than-air craft was not flown by the Wright brothers. Rather they were the first to fly a human in an aircraft that was controlled, powered, and sustained. Human-flown gliders and kites had been flown far earlier. The United States Interstate Highway System was not designed with airplane landings in mind. A common legend states that one out of every ten miles of highway must be straight and flat to allow emergency (or military) airplane landings, but this is not the case. *.* The generation that criticizes the younger generation is always the one that raised it. I had a nostalgic English teacher who found the past perfect and the present tense Happiness has one great advantage over Money. People don't try to borrow it. At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion is kinda like switching slot machines. *.* My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. The minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said.... "He does!" *.* Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And???" Bill asked. "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'." "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her a deck of cards!!"
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