May 27, 2003 -Are we really ready to do this all over again so soon?

With both of us still reeling in shock after watching two lines appear on a pregnancy test yesterday, I have to shamefully admit that Frank was much more composed about the whole thing than I was for sure.  I honestly didn't think it was possible, even though I spent the entire weekend going through the what-if scenarios of how we would get by with another baby.   By the time I took that test, I thought I was ready for the outcome.  I was wrong.

Believe me, I look forward to having another cuddly little baby around.   I feel terribly guilty that I'm not celebrating as much as I feel that I should be right now.  I can't wait to meet this little one, and I'm already convinced it will be another boy.  It looks like we can probably find out sometime in September.  An end of January due date is predicted, though I'm sure it will be a February baby with my history and that means my dad could possibly have a birthday to share.  I know this child was meant to be and it was given to us for a reason, knowing how cautious we've been to avoid this situation and it happened anyway.  I know we can handle it, even with all of our concerns.  I worry about Nicolas and Noelle and how they will handle it.  I really thought I had the perfect situation with the two of them, but obviously someone with a higher power than me felt differently.  Nicolas loves his little sister, and I don't think a new baby will change their relationship.  He has already said he wants a baby brother, and I still don't think he even grasps the concept of that yet.  Frank is itching to tell someone, anyone, and I'm so hesitant to share the news with anyone.  Somehow I feel terrible about that also.  I want to enjoy as much quality time as I can with the two kids I have now.   I want to enjoy every moment of just the two of them.  I don't want them to feel neglected.  I hope I can accomplish that.

May 28, 2003 - I'm feeling a little bit better today.  Frank told his parents the news yesterday and I told my mom last night.  I'm still in shock though.  However, I spoke to Susan on the phone for about an hour last night and she said so many things to me that just made me feel so much better about all of this.  We talked about the age difference, and she assured me that it would be great.  She had Jake and Logan at 16 months apart and she said they just have a great relationship and she wishes they all had that, including little Cole who was born in September.  We talked about people's reactions and the dynamics of having three, and she assured me that I would be able to leave the house with all of them at some point.  I just can't say enough about how wonderful it is to have someone to talk to who clearly knows what I'm going through and understands and supports me.  Frank is starting to already get more excited about this new baby but wishes my enthusiasm would increase as well.  I guess I still want that doctor's confirmation that everything is okay.  This pregnancy has already started out differently than any of my other two did and I just want to know that that's okay.  Susan assured me that all of her pregnancies were also completely different as well.  I just hope this one is different in a good way and not a bad one.

June 5, 2003 - It's amazing what a week will do for you.  I'm still feeling fine, having no real pregnancy symptoms at all which has me happy and concerned at the same time.  I had a few early signs with both Nicolas and Noelle, but this time it just seems so different.  I should be thankful though.  I'm getting all kinds of stuff done around the house, like cleaning and painting, but a lot of that may just be in preparation for Noelle's baptism this weekend and not very early nesting!  I purchased my first double-stroller online yesterday.  It won't ship for another few weeks, but I am REALLY excited about it.  We figure we'll use it this summer and fall with Nicolas and Noelle and take it to Walt Disney World with us so we won't have to worry about spending extra money to rent a stroller there.  We just bought a new single umbrella stroller, to use for Noelle now that she can sit upright in it, but Nicolas fights to be in it now so this will just make everything easier.  He can sit in it if he chooses to and if not we'll just use it for Noelle.  Then when the new baby comes along I'll have a way to get around with both the baby and Noelle and hopefully Nicolas won't mind walking by then!  I have scheduled my first doctor's appointment for July 2nd and I'll be 9.5 weeks pregnant at that time.  I didn't want an appointment any earlier than 8 weeks and that was the first one where my doctor was available.  I purchased some prenatal vitamins, which I've been taking regularly, as well as a multivitamin.  I figure it can't hurt.  I usually try to take regular vitamins when I'm planning on trying to get pregnant, but it just didn't work that way this time around.  It's gonna be tough to keep this a secret, but I still feel better waiting until I know that everything is fine and I'm almost into my 2nd trimester.  Oh my, did I actually SAY that?  It's all still a little unreal to me.  We are still debating a lot of other issues as far as how we'll deal with daycare and my time off and things like that, but I know we'll get it all figured out in good time.

June 12, 2003 - Ok, so two days ago I found myself EXTREMELY tired in the late afternoon/evening which is very unusual for me.  So, I guess we have a sign that my body is busy working hard.  I've found myself having a few cravings for things, not that that's completely out of the ordinary for me when I'm not pregnant, but it's yet another sign I suppose.  I'm drinking my water and taking my prenatal vitamins and I've gained about 2 pounds in the last few days and it doesn't seem like I'm eating any more than usual.  I'll just have to try to keep that in check.  Frank insists that my stomach, which was still a little poochy from that last pregnancy, seems like it's a little more so now.  I know you expand a little faster with each subsequent pregnancy, but I'd really like to try to stay in my regular clothes for as long as possible and end of the summer would be really nice.  Of course, by 4th of July I'll be 10 weeks so I don't know how realistic I'm being on that one.  We have our little vacation getaway to Universal Studios in August and I'll be 15 weeks by that time.

June 23, 2003 - I've now had my first real pregnancy scare and I have to say I wasn't very happy about it.  Last night I actually had a small bit of bleeding, nothing much at all but enough to make me panic.  I still have just over a week until my first doctor's visit and I was actually 8 weeks this past weekend.  I told Frank about it, and he asked if there was anything we could do, and I told him there was not and that we just had to wait and see what happens.  It had me concerned, thinking perhaps my body just wasn't ready to carry another baby, but as of this morning everything seems to be okay and I've had no repeat of anything.  I know that this does happen to some people and it's nothing to be concerned about, but it's never happened to me so of course I was worried.  Now I really can't wait to see my doctor on July 2nd and I'll be sure to mention it to her then.